Next time we’ll raise the alcohol age to 24
Because they’re always stuck at “C”.
But seriously, thank you to everyone on this sub. I end my class periods with a joke of the day every day and I usually take them from here. There is never a day where the students don't unanimously sigh at the punch line!
I just like the way it smells.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
If a mass of beef fat is ‘tallow’, and mass of pig fat is ‘lard’, what is a mass of human fat called?
'American'. Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.
They keep telling me I have an outstanding balance
(That means talking down to people)
The Carroty Kid
Instead I just swam for the surface.
To blow off some steam 🙅♂️🚂
I'm also 100% in prision.
Nobody knew why.
Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch. The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat. Pope: Sorry about the mix up. Clinton: No problem. Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven. Clinton: Why's that? Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary. Clinton: You're a day late.
Thank God I’m the 1% that isn’t
I said "That's hard to swallow."
I did that but now I don’t know what to do with the letters
Thanks daylight savings!
Mary ate her friend's lunch. Mary ate her friend's colon.
Look for the fresh prints
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
Quacks in the pavement.
we were having a drink and I said to him "Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"? He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"
I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.
They will be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger.
Me: Dad, could you call my phone? I can’t find it. My dad: OH PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?
No text found
Not screaming like the passengers in the car.
Ah, this one got me good 😀
But it's actually because they're dead
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
I dropped out.
You get repossessed.
The shopkeeper gave me 13 instead of the 12, I requested. When I asked him what the last one was for. He told me it was a freebie.
She was livid and screamed “what the fuck am I going to do with two dead dogs”
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
I told him, 'that makes two of us'.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter’s car seat with one hand and said, “How do one armed mothers do it?”
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
It hates that.