Next time we’ll raise the alcohol age to 24
We're good but we still haven't gotten a gig yet.
To be an organ donor
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
Then she ripped it in half and said, “Never mind, it’s tearable.” I feel like I’ve succeeded as a dad.
Could this be a red flag?
he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. The young guy drank a couple of beers she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? ‘What’s that?’, he asked. ‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. As his mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, ‘No, I haven’t.’ They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, ‘tonight’s your lucky night.’ They went back to her place, they walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘Mom…you still awake
Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
… Not on fire and screaming like everyone else on the bus he was driving.
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
Because it wasn't even remote-ly funny.
Arse skin for a friend.
Otherwise it would be justwater.
Their jobs are taxing.
but you didn't like it.
A no-bell price
orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Irishman replies, well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for me self.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.” The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected me brothers though.”
He told me, "Fine! Suit yourself!"
One says to the other "I can't believe I just blew 20 bucks!"
That's where I draw the line.
…we'd never hear the end of it.
It’s not hard
They can’t defend the towers
But I think it's just a big waist of space. Edit: Sorry for the bad pun, but you gotta give it at least 3 stars.
Only a fraction of the people will get this joke
A small medium at large
People cancel everything and rearrange their entire lives just for three inches coming fast.
"5!" Yelled Timmy. "Yes Timmy, that is correct."
A non-prophet organization! 😂😂
Now that I listen to full albums, I hardly leave the house.
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.
Apparently the bar wasn’t set high enough.
I guess that makes me a faux pa.
They are greeted by st. Peter at the pearly gates. He welcomes them and then says "But be careful, there are lots of ducks in heaven. If you step on any you will be punished". The girls go in and the first one steps on a duck right away and the ugliest man in existence gets chained to her for eternity. The second girl steps on a duck after about a week and the second ugliest man is chained to her for eternity. The third girl, however, never steps on a duck and the most beautiful man she had ever seen was chained to her. "What did I do to deserve such a nice thing?" she asks God. God looks at her and says, "He stepped on a duck."