Ngl this is actually funny
Jokes and sex are almost the same
I don't get it
There’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."
A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.
Master: Hey boy, what do you got there? Dog: Bark Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark? Dog: Ruff Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there? Dog: With the ladder
EVERY HAT RACK IN THE HOUSE FELL ON ME.
SORRY, I'M STUCK IN CAPS.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Valerie
The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I want to see Valerie." "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam. He replied, "No, I must see Valerie." Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $10,000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied, "St. Louis." "Really," she said. "I have family in St. Louis." "I know," the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance." The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Who here believes in telekinesis?
Raise my hand. (Celebrating my first Fatherโs Day as a dad with my first post in this sub!)
A farmer’s wife is making breakfast for her husband…
As she's serving his breakfast, he grabs her breast and tells her "if these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows". Visibly upset, she continues cooking. A moment later he grabs his wife's crotch and tells her "if this could lay eggs, we could get rid of the chickens". As the wife sits down to eat, she grabs the farmer's crotch and tells him "if this could get hard, we could get rid of your brother".
I told a girl she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
One day, a father is putting his daughter to bed.
After the father leaves, he hears her saying her prayers. He hears her say, '' God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa. The father hears all of this and barges back into the room. He asks her, '' Why did you say the last part? '' The daughter replies, '' Because I needed to. '' The next day, grandpa dies. The father thinks, '' Is this just a coincidence? '' That night he tucks her daughter into bed. He leaves the room to only hear her prayers again. He hears, '' Bless mommy and daddy, rest in peace grandma. '' The father now is thinking, '' Holy shit, my daughter can see into the future? '' The next day, grandma dies. A week later nothing happens, but the night before Sunday, he is tucking his daughter into bed once more. He leaves and listens for any more prayers. Sure enough, there is another prayer. He hears, '' Bless you mommy, rest in peace daddy. '' The father starts panicking and saying, '' Holy shit! I'm going to die tomorrow! '' The following start of the next day consisted the father being alert all the time, checking the clock, looking around the room, etc. He goes to work to do the same things, being alert, all of that. He looks at the clock again 3 hours later. It's past midnight. The father says, '' How is this possible? I should be dead! '' He goes home and finds his wife on the couch with a scared look on her face. She asks, '' What took you so long!? '' The father says, '' Listen honey, today I haven't had the best of days. '' Then as soon as he is about to tell what happened, she bursts out, '' I saw the mailman die yesterday! ''
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident.
When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that theyโre all priests and immediately says, "If any of you did the wrong things with altar boys, thereโs no point waiting here. You might as well go straight to hell right now!โ Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!โ
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs
They always take things literally.
I got the words, โjacuzziโ and โyakuzaโ confused…
Now Iโm in hot water with the Japanese mafia…
My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child’s feet
She said something about 'waiting until they're born'
So, a snake walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, โhow did you do that?โ
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The womanโs husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, โIts dark in here.โ The man says, โYes, it is.โ Boy ~ โI have a baseball.โ Man ~ โThatโs nice.โ Boy ~ โWant to buy it?โ Man ~ โNo, thanks.โ Boy ~ โMy dadโs outside.โ Man ~ โOK, how much?โ Boy ~ โ$250? In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy ~ โIts dark in here.โ Man ~ โYes, it is.โ Boy ~ โI have a baseball glove.โ The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, โHow much?โ Boy ~ โ$750? Man ~ โFine.โ A few days later, the father says to the boy, โGrab your glove, letโs go outside and have a game of catch.โ The boy says, โI canโt, I sold my baseball and my glove.โ The father asks, โHow much did you sell them for?โ Boy ~ โ$1,000? The father says, โThatโs terrible to overcharge your friends like thatโฆthat is way more than those two things cost. Iโm going to take you to church and make you confess.โ They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, โDark in here.โ The priest says, โDonโt start that crap again.โ
The western world
A copypasta
Why was mission control so tense when NASA launched a cow into orbit?
It was a high steaks mission.
This morning a clown held the door for me.
It was a nice jester.
I gave up my last few hairs to wear a cheap wig.
It's a small-price toupee.
Did you know vampires arenโt real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
I’m reading a book about anti gravity
I can't put it down
Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
My wife found out I was cheating on her, after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She got so mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!
My wife just called me and said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!”
I replied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me heโs a compulsive liar…
…but I donโt believe him…
I hate it when people confuse one social media for another
Edit: Thanks for the likes
A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter…
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "…and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?" "New Zealand, sir." the boy replied. "Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there." "Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!" "Really?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the two lovers and hides in the bedroom to watch. The woman's husband comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says "Dark in here." The man says "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball." Man – "That's nice to know." Boy – "Want to buy it?" Man – "No thanks." Boy – "My dad's outside" Man – "Ok then, how much" Boy – "$150" Man – "Sold" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy – "Dark in here." Man – "Yes it is." Boy – "I have a Wilson infielder's glove." The lover, remembering the last time asks the boy "how much?" Boy – "$350" Man – "Highway robbery. Sold" A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." They boy says "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says "$500" The father says "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that… That is way more than those things cost. I'm going to take you to the church so you can confess to your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door. The boys says "Dark in here." The Priest says "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
Trumpets and Guns
n a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
Whatโs the opposite of isolate?
You so early