Ni hao
A teenager’s car won’t start out at the mall one night
He tries everything he knows to do, but finally calls his father for help. Mom and Dad come up to mall parking lot, dad gets into the car, turns the key once, and the engine roars to life. The teenager is shocked at how easy it was. "Dad! What did you do differently? I tried everything!" "It was easy son. I'm wearing my cargo shorts."
The saying “say no to drugs” has always made me laugh.
If you're talking to drugs, it's probably too late to say no to them.
When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn't help at all.
It’s an exact model because the dna doesn’t change at all there’s just more of them
https://ift.tt/35YyhXa
Disney is releasing a version of Tangled with an alternate ending where Rapunzel’s hair isn’t chopped off at the end.
They're calling it the Uncut Edition.
Daughter: “Dad, I’m cold.”
Dad: “Go stand in a corner. It’s 90 degrees.”
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
The Mechanical engineer says: – "It's a broken starter". The Electrical engineer says: – "Dead battery". The Chemical engineer says: – "Impurities in the Gasoline" The IT engineer says: – "Hey guys, i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".
Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar?
They both got 6 months. P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nive
I saw a sign that said ‘do not touch’, however there was something weird about the sign….
I couldn't put my finger on it….
What kind of doctor is Dr. pepper?
It’s a fizzician! I’ll see myself out
What did the pilot say when I opened the window?
WHAT?! I CANT HEAR YOU!
Two scientists are playing Minecraft.
Two scientists are playing Minecraft. One is new to the game and doesn’t know much about it. At some point, he crafts a pickaxe, but doesn’t know what to do with it, so he asks the more experienced scientist. Scientist 1: Bro, what should I do with this pickaxe that I crafted? Scientist 2: Br.
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
I just had to breakup with my cross eyed girlfriend
She was seeing other people
There was a woman who had 100 kids..
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
Who is the coldest comedian?
Bill Brrrr…
Last weekend I went to a dog zoo with my kids.
They only had one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”
Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that.
At first I disliked parasites
But later on they grew on me
I’ve just bought a bottle of head lice treatment but there’s no instructions on how to use it.
It's left me scratching my head to be honest.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why aren’t porcupines allowed to become bartenders?
They always spike the drinks.
When I am on my death bed surrounded by my friends and family my final words will be
"You guys want to see a dead body?"
An old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and he said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’ I now have a young bride who is pregnant with my child. “So what do you think about that Doc?” The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went bang bang. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that? asked the doctor. The old man said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.” The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”
Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships?
So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.
Handjobs [nsfw]
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
Why do girls go out in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they cant even.
Which organ do you need to live?
The liver.
Why teddy bears don’t go to the gym?
They don't wanna get ripped
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughters innocence, the mother turns around and says “Don’t worry that was just an insect”. To which her daughter replies “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that”
Where does a dog go when it loses it’s tail and needs a new one?
A retail store.
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
Me : Alexa where is my dad?
Alexa : Your dad is at a strip club in Las Vegas Me : Haha! gotcha alexa my dad is right next to me Alexa : Your mom's husband is next to you, your dad is at a strip club.
A guy takes up a new job.
On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’ So the next day the boss calls the guy into his office and says, ‘You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You’re a good worker and I’d hate to fire you. What’s the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?’ The guy replies, ‘No I don’t drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning I go over to make sure she’s alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know I’m fucking her.’ The boss says, ‘You fuck your sister?’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, I told you I was sick.’
I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself
And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"
