Nice.
You know what they say about cliffhangers..
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I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
-Doctor, ive tried everything to find love but it just wont work, what else can i do?
-Have you tried shaving your mustache? -No -Well you should, Karen.
My boss stormed over and yelled, “What the heck are you doing? Put some backbone into it!”
I hate working at the McDonald's factory…
Did you hear..
About the snake that fell down on a drum? Ba-dum tsss
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.
Apparently girraffes only sleep 3 hours a day.
They must neckered.
These two guys at the golf course were talking about their blood sugar levels, while they prepared for their opening shots.
Silence fell as they put their stands in the grass, and when I looked closer at these stands I saw the design of them. Yellow and black, with wings attached to the sides. "Those stands are hideous," I said out loud, but neither of them heard me. I think they had dire bee tees.
Host: What are you?
Me: I'm a Harp Host: Your costume's too small. Me: Are you calling me a Lyre?
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does it…
He's gay, definitely gay.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
I went to a beautiful wedding this weekend.
It was so emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet ?
Because they lactose
While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp
When I rubbed it a Genie popped out. Genie: You have released me from my prison, in return I shall grant you three wishes. Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way won't it? Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
This morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door , comes back in and says both.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
If I had to rate our solar system
I'd give it 1 star
My half-brother is 6’5
Jeez, imagine if he were a full brother
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
My friend set me up on a blind date with her vegetarian friend but I’m kind of nervous…
I’ve never met herbivore.
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
My lesbian neighbours bought me a Rolex for my birthday.
It's a really nice gift, but it's not quite what I meant when I said "I wanna watch"
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair." "What I want you to do…" the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong." So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
I respect tyres.
They've got plenty of wheelpower.
My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia
But so far I’ve made 3 vases and a jug so fuck you!
I’ve fallen in love with a pencil and we’re getting married
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
Knock, knock
shouting thru door “Just leave it outside, Thank you!” (2020 update)
A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.
I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties. I thought, fuck me, I might win this