Seems pretty accurate…
Hey, I’ve seen this one. It’s a classic
America is finally great again
Did you hear the joke about the dyslexic man?
He walked into a bra…
How does an octopus go into battle?
He doesn’t want his favorite human to go on vacation
People call me Mr. Compromise…
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it…
A sheep dog tells her owner she found all fifty sheep. Her owner says that there should only be 46
The dog says, “but I rounded them up.”
Trump: no politician in history has been treated more unfairly than me.
What do you call Muslim chili peppers?
If police never did wrong, people would trust them
Nobody ever made a song called “Fuck The Fire Department” ….
Bet the kids don’t remember pens…
What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
From My Dad
Destroying America to trigger the libs
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of her chapstick this morning
I think she's mad, because she still hasn't spoken to me.
A wife is yelling at her housband “Get out! I hate your guts!”
So her husband packs up his things and walks out the door. As he is walking away his wife screams at him, “ I hope you die a slow and painful death!” He suddenly stops and says, “So, you want me to stay?”
Requires understanding of chemistry
There’s this really out of touch old janitor that works at my office building.
At least he’s an ok broomer.
I got into a car accident with a little person.
He got out and said, "I'm not happy!" So I asked, "Well, which one are you, then?"
I got in a fight with frequency the other day
I lost and it still Hertz
Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve?
Because he always accepts cookies.
Where do Squirrels go during Hurricanes?
It depends on which direction the wind is blowing.
Kid lies about school project to spend time with his dad.
What does a house wear to a party?
Wife’s cooking bad.
and kids… that’s how AI will take over the world
I get aroused when I erase pencil drawings
In fact, I think I'm gonna rub one out
Why always the big nose?
How debugging feels for me today at work.
Actual, physical boomer comic I found in a newspaper
Love Ilhan or Hate her, she has a point.
My grief counsellor died the other day..
But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.
It’s strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education…
According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
Incatption or catception
Real programmer use Linux
A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower…
The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play. About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where did your washcloth go?” the girl says in shock. “I lost it, honey” replies the mom. “Ok!” The daughter says as she darts off. Later that night as the mother is on the couch reading a book the daughter runs in, excited, “Mommy!! Mommy!! I found your washcloth!” “You did?! Where was it??” “The maid has it!” the daughter shouted “And she’s washing daddy’s face with it!”
I had to get rid of my old ladder today
We had our ups and downs but I'll still miss it
My grandma sent me this
So it is
Wait no hang on
Hello everyone! I’m a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.
I will be in my Lab if you need me.
I just learned the medical name for viagra
It’s all about the buzzwords
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits in your wife’s clothes
I just started SQL. Does this work here?
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well that’s your fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
Two thousand for a Trump Tiger
Apparently I can’t read a watch
I have seen a kidnapping.
I decided to let the kid sleep
A true hacker
Don’t talk to my kinases. Ever.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .
Douchebag Jr wisdom…
When You Try to Add “two” to a 2
sHE’s sO DisREsPecFtUl!!