Nice.
Did you hear the joke about the dyslexic man?
He walked into a bra…
How does an octopus go into battle?
Well armed
People call me Mr. Compromise…
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it…
A sheep dog tells her owner she found all fifty sheep. Her owner says that there should only be 46
The dog says, “but I rounded them up.”
What do you call Muslim chili peppers?
Halalapenos
If police never did wrong, people would trust them
Nobody ever made a song called “Fuck The Fire Department” ….
What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of her chapstick this morning
I think she's mad, because she still hasn't spoken to me.
A wife is yelling at her housband “Get out! I hate your guts!”
So her husband packs up his things and walks out the door. As he is walking away his wife screams at him, “ I hope you die a slow and painful death!” He suddenly stops and says, “So, you want me to stay?”
There’s this really out of touch old janitor that works at my office building.
At least he’s an ok broomer.
I got into a car accident with a little person.
He got out and said, "I'm not happy!" So I asked, "Well, which one are you, then?"
I got in a fight with frequency the other day
I lost and it still Hertz
Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve?
Because he always accepts cookies.
Where do Squirrels go during Hurricanes?
It depends on which direction the wind is blowing.
What does a house wear to a party?
Address.
I get aroused when I erase pencil drawings
In fact, I think I'm gonna rub one out
My grief counsellor died the other day..
But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.
It’s strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education…
According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower…
The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play. About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where did your washcloth go?” the girl says in shock. “I lost it, honey” replies the mom. “Ok!” The daughter says as she darts off. Later that night as the mother is on the couch reading a book the daughter runs in, excited, “Mommy!! Mommy!! I found your washcloth!” “You did?! Where was it??” “The maid has it!” the daughter shouted “And she’s washing daddy’s face with it!”
I had to get rid of my old ladder today
We had our ups and downs but I'll still miss it
Hello everyone! I’m a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.
I will be in my Lab if you need me.
I just learned the medical name for viagra
Mycoxaflopin
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits in your wife’s clothes
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well that’s your fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
I have seen a kidnapping.
I decided to let the kid sleep
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .
