Nice how that worked out
An 18 year-old Italian girl missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed Jeffrey Epstien didn't kill himself in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
What is the motto of people who harvest organs?
We de-liver
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They'll just beat the room for being black.
When I was in college, I used to live on a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer the other day…
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted.
The fifth one was dead sirius.
What are Mexicans built of?
Amigo acids
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
They don’t know where home is.
I told my son, “Have you heard that they’re shutting down all food resources in schools, so that children can’t eat?”
"Canteens?" he asked. "No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.
I was Diagnosed with chronic fear of Giants
FeeFiphobia
I’m not addicted to cocaine.
I just like the way it smells.
My sister got married the other day and now has 16 husbands….
Four richer, four poorer, four better and four worse…
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
A gay man, a straight woman and a programmer are stranded on a deserted island.
During the first night, the gay man goes to the programmer and tells him they should kill the woman so he could have a normal sex life. The second night, the woman goes to the programmer and tells him they should kill the gay man so she could have a normal sex life. The third night, the programmer kills both the woman and the man so he could have normal sex life.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
OMG!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why did the DJ go to the farmers’ market?
To get some fresh beets.
How quickly did the costume store employees clean up the sombrero spill?
At the drop of a hat!
Dont challange Death to a pillow fight
…Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.
“I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework.” Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, “Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?”
"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."
What do you call an Irishman flying an airplane?
Éire O'Dynamic
My sister bet me $15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
PASSWORD PROBLEMS ( LONG ONE )
Windows : Please enter your new password. User : cabbage Windows : Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. User : boiled cabbage Windows : Sorry, the password must contain at least 1 numerical character. User : 1 boiled cabbage Windows : Sorry, the password must not have blank spaces. User : 50bloodyboiledcabbages Windows : Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. User : 50BLOODYboiledcabbages Windows : Sorry, the password must not have cosecutive capital letters. User : 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow! Windows : Sorry, the password cannot contain a special character. User : IWillHuntYouDown50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow Windows : Sorry, this password is already in use.
A man had been drinking all night…
A man had been drinking all night at a bar before puking all over his shirt. “Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So he goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok…then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”
6:30 is the best time on a clock
Hands down.
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support around here, people are gonna think we’re nuts!
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot!”
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spices.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Q: Why did Star Wars episodes 4,5, and 6 come before 1,2, and 3?
A: Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.