Nice to meet you
In both cases, you kind of just sit around waiting for shit to happen.
Beethoven's final movement
I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.
If it sinks, girl ant and if it floats, buoyant
They called it "Haulin' Oats."
He got a little behind in his work
Her exact words were "severely diabetic", but I know what she meant.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years. “This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid. “And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
"Because she's only three." I answered.
If you set a man on fire he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.
Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out. "What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!" Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch. "We were playing golf… we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and died on the spot." Jane gasped. "Oh my God- that must have been horrible!" "Tell me about it," replied Sam. "For 15 more holes, it was hit the ball, drag the boss, hit the ball, drag the boss…"
With animals in his heart.
The horse, not able to understand human language, shits on the floor and leaves
It was tense.
With a whole profession built around copy and pasting stack overflow it only makes sense you guys would copy and paste the same jokes over and over again
Breathe idiot, breathe!
The No bell prize.
And I'll fucking do it again.
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
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I guess now it's clear why everybody calls me handsome.
Therapist: So what brought you two here? Wife: I just hate how he takes things so literally? Therapist: What about you? Husband: A car.
I see a lot of new faces here tonight, which is disappointing.
I wish I had a pony.
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In hindsight, paper would have been better.
“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said. I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.
I can’t tell you how I feel about it
Because he is transparent
Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.
Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.
They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates. "Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?" The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits. "Wonderful," said St. Peter. "What can you do, your majesty?" The king immediately went to the nearest toilet and flushed it. Ultimately, St. Peter made the decision to allow the king into heaven. And the moral of the story is, a royal flush always wins against a pear, no matter how big.
I read it on an Instagram post.