Sometimes you have to scare your kids a little
Recursive code made wrong
We finally found him!!!!!!
[NSFW] religious boomer humor
I wondered where my boomerang was after i threw it
and then it hit me
Give ’em hell, Robert!
Please enter your phone number.
My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple
Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes
Correlation between internet explorer usage and murder rates in US… Damn!
“What was the previous electrician thinking?”
Underclass revolt against Amazon
I got my friend a cake in the shape of Pac Man
At least that's what I told him when he saw it.
“Horses are superior” – 1920’s boomers
Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says … “I’m sleeping with the priest’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?”
The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to. Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest… "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says… “You better hurry home now, my wife died a year ago"
“Shrimps. I forgot to buy shrimps.”
What is Jesus’s favorite workout?
Where would i be without stack overflow
Calling US out
I walked into my girlfriends bedroom yesterday without knocking.
As I walked in I heard her whisper to herself “I’m ugly.” I responded “I’m pregnant.” She was confused so I confessed, “I thought we were saying things the were impossible.”
For the “give me examples” sea lions.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture
In the English language, the word “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis” has the most number of syllables at 19.
This narrowly beats out the runner-up, "Gloria" (18 syllables). Source: Catholic Exchange Note: full disclosure, I heard this absolutely glorious (hah!) joke years ago, but when I was retelling it earlier thought of another way to set it up. It's just a grand coincidence that that word in the OP I can barely understand had only one more syllable than "Gloria".
Haha, vodka funny
when sketchy imitates life
Let us be free!
who's there? The electrician to fix your doorbell
Best laugh I’ve had in a long time.
So my dog was barking at something outside and I was chilling in my recliner. I called her over to me, looked her dead in the eyes and told her she has barkinson’s disease. I then burst out in laughter almost falling out of my chair.
wait a second…
Everyone in my twitter feed
It do be like that
life without love is meaningless..
Love without life is necrophilia.
I was driving the other day, accidentally hit this guy in the back. Guy gets out. I see that he’s a dwarf. He starts surveying the damage, shakes his head, and says, “Well, I’m not Happy!”
I said, “Well, which one are you?!” And that’s when the fight began.
Delightfully devilish phone number input
How does the KKK brew Whiskey?
In a Cracker Barrel.
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Dog offers to help clean pool.
At 11:55 PM, a cop drives by a park, and sees a single car with the lights off…
He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up. "Evening officer." "What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?" "I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the girl. "She's knitting, and she'll be eighteen in five minutes."
Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?
Believing in 12.5% of the Bible
Makes you an eighth thiest.
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.
When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
How do you make a dead baby float?
2 scoops of ice cream 1 scoop of dead baby
Just in time for Valentines Day!
Picture = Millennial, Humor = Boomer
SHOW THIS TO JIM
I walked into the library and asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.
She said: "They're right behind you."
Newsweek is ok Donald, you’re probably thinking of some other business
Therapists only want one thing
and it's fucking discussing.
Haha, a guy getting kicked out is funny
My chromosomes level are depleting
Haha great idea 👍🏼
If I had $5 for every woman that found me unattractive
Pretty soon they'd all find me attractive
Always thinking of her
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
LET THEM SPEAK
As soon as you find one, there is always another
Fun fact- Trump is a record setting President
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car
a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens……. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis".
Lol I hate my wife
When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, “The sky is the limit”
He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.
What’s the difference between an Indian and African Elephant?
One’s an elephant.
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
They don’t know where home is.
Trump’s speech this morning in a nutshell
The real reason.