Niche technomancy meme
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, “The sky is the limit”
He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.
My friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
What do you call a witch that only eats sand?
Malnourished.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
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My mailman got a sex change.
I guess you'd call him a post man now.
What do you call a sad coffee?
Despresso
I called the doctor “My wife is going into labour! What should I do?”
"Is this her first child?" he asked. "No this is her husband"
How many cops does it take to push a black guy down the stairs?
None, he “fell”
For Halloween, a classmate dressed up as a stormtrooper and shot up the school.
Don’t worry, no one got hurt.
This guy is sitting in a bar when this beautiful super model walks in.
So after a few minutes, the guy walks over to her. He leans in and whispers in her ear " Hey can I smell your pussy?" The girl is irate, and she screams at him "What is wrong with you?! That's disgusting! How could you say that?!! NO! You cannot smell my pussy!!!" and the guy says " oh, well I guess it's your feet."
People always say that the Romans didn’t handle the whole Jesus situation very well
I think they nailed it.
They say sex sells…
Probably because you can’t spell advertisements without semen between the tits.
Man I love my furniture
Me and my recliner go way back.
I had one of the first computers that could talk….
But this one day the computer wouldn't stop talking, so I got a Zip drive.
I am convinced that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She keeps denying it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I asked, "Who is this guy?" My grandfather said, "He's my hip replacement."
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
What does the word ‘gay’ mean?
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
A guy sent me his nudes.
Pretty nuts, if you ask me.
I made a graph showing my past relationships
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis
My wife claims a man in camouflage is sexy
I just don't see it myself
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Rewatching the first season of Survivor, and I felt this.
Rewatching the first season of Survivor, and I felt this.
An Irishman walks into a job interview.
A Irishman wants a job, but the boss won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the boss said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" the man says, "Dats easy." And proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Tree and tree, plus tree makes 9" says the man. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The man stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree… "Ere ye go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire the guy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The man stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred." The boss looks at the attempt and says, "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The man leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree…so now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred!"
The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.
Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.
I showed my damaged luggage to a lawyer, and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
Jesus and the disciples are at the Last Supper…
Jesus holds up a cup of wine and says, "This is my blood." Then he holds up a loaf of bread and says, "This is my body." Then he holds up some mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."
When is 40 bigger than 50?
XL is bigger than L
19 and 20 got into a fight
19 and 20 got into a fight. 21.
It’s only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It’s his altar ego.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Cause he Neverlands.
I’m ok with cigarettes, alcohol, and even marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
Why do they call it possession of marijuana?
They should call it joint custody
How does Yoda ask a rooster to draw a picture?
"Cock, a doodle do."
No, I don’t know where most things are on the map!
I've never been good at geometry.
The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
Two dogs, a Doberman and a German Shepherd, are in the vet’s waiting room, and the German Shepherd says to the other “What are you in for?”
"Oh," says the Doberman, "I went for the postman. He said I ought to be put down, but my owner pleaded with him until he said that if she got me castrated instead then he wouldn't take it any further. So that's what I'm in for. How about you?" "Oh," says the German Shepherd, "my owner was cleaning the kitchen floor in her bathrobe, and while she was reaching for something under the fridge, her bathrobe fell off, and she looked and smelled so good that I mounted her then and there." "Oh," says the Doberman, "so you're in to be castrated as well?" "No," says the German Shepherd, "just to get my claws clipped."