“Nigga what?”
An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon…
An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?" The others look up with a scowl that would curdle milk, but one looks at the clock and shakes his head. He points out the time to the others and they gather up their chips and go. "Play alone, we're a-leavin'. Wild Bill's comin' to town." The writer is confused, but smells a story brewing; a strong one at that. He hoofs it up to the bar, passing most other patrons on their way out, and slaps a whole dollar bill on the table, "Barkeep, give me a beer and a story, and you can keep the change." After taking a quick glance at the clock, the bartender shakes his head, pours the beer, and pushes the bill back to the reporter. "The drink is on the house, but I suggest you drink it quick and leave. Wild Bill is coming to town." Without another word the 'tender puts his last glass away and walks right out the swinging doors, leaving the reporter in an empty bar. Now fear in his gut tears at him as he hears the emptiness in that bar. This emptiness seems to seep in as he realizes that he's about to be the last man in this town, alone with only the sound of that ticking clock to keep him company. Still, a story of this caliber must be worth something; so he waits… Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, Bong<CRACK!>- Just as the clock strikes the first chime of twelve, a sound like thunder splitting a mountain is heard outside. The reporter runs to the doors to see what it is. In the distance and closing fast is a tornado coming right for the bar. The reporter hits the ground and watches as the tornado comes up to the bar and stops. The wind settles and there is a giant of a man riding a grizzly bear. He steps off the bear, and instead of hitching it, he punches the great beast right in the face <WHAM!>, knocking it cold on the ground. The reporter is so scared he runs back into the bar and dives behind the counter, sure that this is the last of his days. <KaPLOW!> the giant kicks in the saloon doors, and they turn to splinters that imbed themselves into the walls and break bottles and glasses that they touch. The man walks up to the bar, breaking every floor board with each thundering step. He looks down at the reporter and slams his fist on the bar, cracking it down the middle, "GIMME A DRINK!" The reporter comes up, shakily holding out two bottles of whisky; which the giant snatches up, chews the glass tops off of, and drinks down as fast as the amber liquid can spill from the bottles. He throws both bottles in the air, whips out his six-shooter and fires off a round. The single bullet rips through both bottles showering the reporter with shards that rain down. Regretting his curiosity and repenting of his life, the reporter stands on weakened legs and whimpers out, "W-w-w-would y-you like a-another drink?" The man turns to him, fire in his eyes, then glances at the clock… "Nah, I gotta go. Wild Bill's comin' to town."
I plant my herbs in alphabetical order
You might ask how i find the time It's easy it's right there next to the sage
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you, I have contacts
If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted
I wish I had a pony.
Why are Canadians so good at sports?
They always bring their eh game
I had this saved from a while ago, I dunno if this belongs here. (Right to left)
https://ift.tt/2z0JZoE
Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and possibly use lubricant
You can’t die if you roll in salt.
You'll get cured.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
Why did the crab cross the road?
He didn't. He used the sidewalk.
It’s tricky knowing when to take the tea bag out.
There's a steep learning curve.
My wife insisted that I read “Pride and Prejudice”, but I said no.
I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book will lecture me.
I tried my wife’s essential oils for the first time today.
Worst french fries I've ever had.
One day in class, the teacher brought a bag…
"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No, it's a beet, but I like the way you think. – Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like the way you think" the teacher replies. "Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like the way you think." Johnny has had enough, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand down my pants. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter… but I like the way you think!!!"
British Person: “I’m bri ish”
“I guess you drank the t”
So I got a virus on my computer
And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared. Must have ransomware.
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender say, “ we don’t serve food here”
I told a girl she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It”
Too many Maine characters.
Why are tigers always honest?
Because they aren't lion
Sorry, my 4y old brother wanted me to tell this joke here
Him: Knock, knock Me: Who's there? Him: Idiot Me: Idiot who? Him: IDIOT YOU!! He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet loved his joke! EDIT: Thanks for the Gold, kind stranger
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.
It's Einstein's turn. He counts till ten and opens up his eyes. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein with a chalk in his hand. He's sitting on a box he's drawn, one metre a side. Einstein: Newton you're terrible, I can see you! Newton: No No Einy, you've found one Newton per square metre. You've found Pascal!
Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and goes to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
What’s the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
I once met a girl with twelve nipples.
Sounds funny. Dozen tit.
3 unwritten rules of life: 1. 2. 3.
1. 2. 3.
A Chinese man walks into a bar and sits right next to a Jewish man.
The Jewish man starts eyeing the Chinese man suspiciously, a dark expression covering his face. Suddenly, with no warning at all, he stands up, grabs the Chinese man by the neck, smashes his face against the bar and throws him to the floor. The Chinese man, dazed and angry, stands up and confronts the Jewish man. “What the fuck is wrong with you?! Why would you do that?!” The Jewish man looks him in the eye and says “That was for bombing Pearl Harbor.” The Chinese man froze. “For bombing Pe- but that was the Japanese!! I am Chinese!” “Japanese, Chinese, Korean, you’re all the same to me”, said the Jewish man. Dumbfounded, the Chinese man sits at the bar and orders another beer. He keeps eyeing the Jewish man, a dark expression on his face. Suddenly, he grabs his beer mug and smashes it against the Jewish man’s face, then proceeds to punch him and kick him until the Jewish man isn’t moving any more. He sits back at the bar. After a couple of minutes, the Jewish man struggles to his feet, stumbles to the bar, and confronts the Chinese man. “What the fuck was that about?” The Chinese man sips his beer, and without looking at the Jewish man, he says “That was for sinking the Titanic.” Outraged, the Jewish man goes red. “Sinking the Ti- that was an iceberg!!” The Chinese man shrugs. “They’re all the same to me, icebergs, Goldbergs, Rosenbergs, Silberbergs…”