Night Moves
Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?
Because dogs can't whistle!
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN…
They become VERY ANGRY
My Great Uncle’s Final Words
My great uncle just passed on Sunday. The family had known for a few days it was near the end. His family gathered around him on his death bed, with some flying in from other states to say their goodbyes. "Dad," says his daughter, "[Grandson] flew in from San Francisco just to see you." My great uncle woke up for moment and said, "Boy, his arms must be tired." Those were his last words.
What do you call a midget party?
…a little get-together.
(: ¡¡ʇɥƃᴉN pooפ
Love, Australia.
TRUE FACT
Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
WAITER: are you ready to order?
DAD: I’ll have the rabbit stew WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after I bring it … DAD: I’ll have the chicken
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
If you get an email with the subject “knock knock”, dont open it.
It's a Jehovah Witness working from home.
Why does the Keyboard work 24 hours…
Because, it has two shifts.
What does the word ‘gay’ mean?
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
Dude, where’s my
https://ift.tt/2pry5ze
So i stubbed my toe this morning…
My toe hurts but The Opera Director Next door was very impressed
When a stripper gets money that definitely has jizz on it she has to report it to the government
Because it's gross income
An antivaxer has a heart attack. He’s rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.
Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?” The antivaxer thinks and says, “I know there must be reasons, beyond our understanding, why evil is allowed to exist. But why on Earth do you allow the evil, corrupt system of vaccines to exist?!” God shakes His head, patiently. “My child,” He says, “It is not evil to be mistaken. Which is to your benefit, because in this case, the mistake is yours. Just as so many people have tried to tell you over the years, vaccines are effective and far safer than the diseases they protect against. I give you My Word on that. Now, return, with My Peace upon you.” Suddenly, the antivaxer is staring up at the ceiling of an operating room, as his heart starts beating on its own once more. By the time he's able to receive visitors, the man is desperate to talk to his antivax friends, to let them know the vital truth he brought back from the other side. He calls them all and insisted that they be there at his side the very minute he's cleared to see anyone – he has huge, huge, HUGE news for them. Finally, his friends are gathered around him, and he motions for them to gather close. “It turns out,” he starts, “the conspiracy goes a LOT higher up than we thought…”
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss
What do you call a magic dog?
A Labracadabrador
I named my eraser Confidence…
Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make.
Son: “mom, dad… I’m gay”
Mom: staring at dad⠀ ⠀ Dad: clenches fist ⠀ Mom: “….don’t” ⠀ Dad: sweats profusely ⠀ Mom: “stop it” ⠀ Dad: HI GAY, I’M DAD
My favourite joke: Now Hiring
A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads: "Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer." The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room. 30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter. "Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself. 20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running "Hello, world" program. He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well… you're a dog." The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs. "There's no way you're bilingual." The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."
A tourist visits an Indian reservation…
…where he finds an old chief who claims that he remembers everything that has ever happened in his life. The tourist is curious and asks the chief "What did you have for breakfast on your 5th birthday?" Without hesitation the chief replies "eggs". Impressed, he continues his vacation and returns home. Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again. He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with "how". The old chief simply replies "scrambled".
why did the latino man go to the therapist?
to talk about hispanic attacks.
One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .
In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give 50,000 pounds to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 pounds to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files. But still the fire fighters could not get through. From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 pounds and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?" "Well," said Paddy, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we're gonna do is fix the brakes on that bloody fire truck."
A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.
As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved. As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a very skimpy bikini, is walking past. She sees him – a small, limbless blob – out the corner of her eye. He gives her a smile and she smiles back. And then, she starts walking over to him! As she approaches he thinks to himself – “maybe this is it!” She gets nearer and nearer, her smile growing with each step until she is right next to him. She leans down, gives him a big kiss on the cheek, and whispers in his ear: “Have you ever been fucked?” Excitedly, the man responds “no!” The woman replies “well you’re fucked now, mate. The tide’s coming in.”
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist
What has two butts and kills people
An assassin
I tell it in the wrong order.
Why am i bad at telling jokes?