Alien versus Redditor.
Luckily for me he was so good, I didn't give a shit.
… I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
…he would be the artist formerly known as Prince.
Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.
My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.
Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.
The plot thickens
He bought some whiskey, and tequila When he got home, he set them on the table His son immediately picked up both bottles The dad asks "What are you doing?!" The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"
So when they come back they can Scandinavian.
I’m on season 6 and I’m not really sure what this show has to do with security
Well I'm assuming she's poor, she only had $1 in her purse.
A young boy walks into a Halloween teen party with no shirt on, only wearing a pair of loose jeans. The host says, “Well, , this is a costume party.” The young boy responds, “I’m in costume. I’m a premature ejaculation.” The host asks, “how’s that?” “I just came in my pants.”
Its like she's never seen a penis before.
Her: It’s Hume. Me: Sorry, whom is your favorite philosopher?
Who am I to diss a brie?
That makes two of us.
It’s a small scale operation.
Me: You just did You: I'm not going to do that Me: This joke only makes sense if you read it backwards
But it wooden whistle. So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.
Kicked out of the petting zoo
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple? "Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch".
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
So they can Scandinavian
The results were château-strophic.
Policeman: I don't care what you "feel", buster, 30 is the speed limit!
You'd think at least one of them would have seen it
When we broke up she went fucking bananas
now it’s called edison
“Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”
But sadly John came in fifth and only received a toaster.
Months of training wasted.