no
I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.
Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.
What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Melt them down, make a tyre and call it a good year.
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
I don’t want to sound racist, but…
Every one in the KKK looks the same to me.
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: …
"You have perfect eyesight."
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana
POV: you’re playing summer time saga and you take the eve path
POV: you’re playing summer time saga and you take the eve path
I really want to work at a place that sells mirrors
It’s something I could always see myself doing
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, drinking beers.
Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take. "Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic." "Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do." "Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said. "Yes, yes I do have a lawn!" "Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house." "Yes, yes I do have a house!" "And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family." "Yes, yes I do have a family!" "And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual." "Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed. "Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob. "Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob. "Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" "No." Jim stared at him. "You some kind of faggot, Bob?"
My wife said she’s going to leave me if I don’t stop with the click bait
You wont believe what happened next!
Three dads are stranded on a boat
Three dads are stranded on a boat drifting in the middle of the ocean. They begin to accept the inevitable and they all agree to smoke one last cigarette together before succumbing to starvation and dehydration. They open up the last pack of cigarettes to find the final four cigarettes. As they hold the cigarettes in their mouth, they quickly realize they have no way to light them. Each of them sit in silence puzzling over the situation they find themselves in. Finally one dad exclaims he has a solution, he takes the last cigarette out of the pack and toss it overboard. He then says to the other two dads “Now the whole boat is a cigarette lighter!”.
Let me tell you how I became a millionaire:
First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on… A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.
My wife said she’s only interested in having sex if I dress like The Fonz.
She's ayyyyy sexual.
Wait, what was my line again??
An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When’s the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent. Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant," says the director, "you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening." The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar." He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you’re "hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!" So he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I’m "hark I hear the cannons roar."" "If you’re hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on." He dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar."" "You’re "hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up." He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down.
If Joe biden becomes president,
the white house will become forbiden
The shovel was a groundbreaking invention
But everyone was blown away by the leaf blower.
What’s the difference between a velodrome and a palindrome?
For one, you have to use a bicycle. For the other, you can use a race car.
All Americans are immigrants … especially from an East Asian (Siberian) Bloodline
https://ift.tt/2YVjBYn
13 year old me alone in my room after my mom took away my electronics
13 year old me alone in my room after my mom took away my electronics
We’ll we’ll we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect?
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
The doctor told me my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again…
I can't tell you how upset I am!
You know, my hen counts her own eggs…
She’s a mathemachicken
“Hello I’d like to register for mime classes”
"Ah, say no more"