“NO.”

I added Paul Walker as a friend on X-box…
But he spends all his time on his dashboard
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run.
They told me I’d never be good at poetry cause I’m dyslexic.
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.
Why don’t some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't workout.
Otherwise
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What do snowmen call their kids?
Chill-dren
My friend claims that he āaccidentallyā glued himself to his autobiography, but I donāt believe him.
But thatās his story, and heās sticking to it.
I haven’t worked in over a year.
Don't tell my boss I said that.
An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.
He orders a pint and tells the landlord, āIāve been blind for 50 years lad. My hearingās perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you whatās happening in any room in this pub.ā āOh reallyā, says the landlord, āgo ahead thenā. The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceiling and listens. āIn your bathroom, upstairs, the one at the end of the corridor⦠a tapās been left on.ā Skeptical, the landlord sends his nephew upstairs to check. His nephew returns and confirms the findings. āCouldāve been luckā, says the landlord, āGo on, try againā¦ā The old man cups his ear, tilts his head to the floor and listens. āIn your cellarā, he says, āI can hear scurrying. You have a rat infestation.ā āYouāre talking rubbish.ā says the landlord, and sends his nephew to check. He returns and the old man is right, again! Now intrigued, the landlord urges him to try again. He cups a hand round his ear and listens to somewhere behind the bar. āAh, in the storeroom down that corridorā, he says, āsomeoneās having at it in there right nowā. The nephew goes and checks the store room, and what dāya know, he finds two of the bar staff shagging away in there. āBloody hell old man, you truly are incredibleā, says the landlord, āwhat else can you hear?ā The old geezer hushes the landlord, places his head on the bar and listens for a while. He lifts his head off the bar and says, āYep, your beer pump is definitely out of actionā. The landlord checks the pump⦠āHa! Youāre wrong old man. Itās working perfectly!ā āWell then, whereās my fucking pint?ā
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them
You know why they named it the ābellā
Because it has a nice ring to it
What did the painter say after his vehicle was stolen?
Whereād the Van Gogh?
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest
The first brother flies off at 100mph and comes back 10 minutes later. His mouth was covered in blood. āYou see the mansion over there?ā Said the first brother, āI sucked everybody in there dry.ā The second vampire said āThatās nothingā and flew off at 150mph and came back 5 minutes later with his nose and mouth covered in blood. āYou see the village over there?ā Said the second vampire brother, āI sucked everybodyās blood dry!ā The third vampire said āThatās nothing!ā And flew off at 200mph and came back 10 seconds later, his whole face and shirt DRENCHED in blood. āWoah, what happened?ā Said the first brother. āWell, you see that tree over there?ā Said the third vampire. āYeah?ā Replied the other brothers, āI didnāt.ā
My wife told me to stop doing my flamingo impression
I had to put my foot down
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited.
āMan I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dudeās house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!ā āNo way!ā āYes way,ā insists Fred, ācome with me and check it out for yourself if you donāt believe me.ā – Twenty minutes later theyāre ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, āHi! Iām sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesnāt believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!ā – The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, āRoger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!ā
3 vampires are having a competition to prove who’s the most vicious vampire among them.
3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them. The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire" Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!" Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"
Spiral shaped pasta…
really makes me consider the fusillity of life.
Grand Opening of a Vietnamese/Italian Restaurant
Pho Getaboutit
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers. (A tribute to Bill – RIP)
Two friends are having a chat in a bar.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten? Kristen: sure. Christen: Thank you. Kris: Anytime.
A knife tried out for Varsity football
He didn't make the cut.
How does a Jewish man make coffee?
Hebrews it.
This joke is about ghosts. You wanna hear it?
That's the spirit.
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy. The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
Never marry an archaeologist
They're always digging up the past.
The skydiving instructor asked if there were any questions.
So…Is it a freefall? I asked him. He said, It is, indeed. I said, Good, because I haven't got any money.
My wifeās sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.
Astonished, my wife asked her āHow could you afford this?!ā āYou know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,ā she replied. Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, āI think Iāll start doing that.ā āMe too,ā I replied, turning to my sister in law. āWhatās your husbandās number?ā
Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree?
it was dead
I like my girls how I like my Covid.
19 and easily spread.
Why shouldn’t you tell knock knock jokes to chefs?
They don't have the thyme for that, just cumin.
I dated a twin once…
I once dated a twin. My friend asked me how I told them apart. I said Stacy has a beauty mark on her right cheek. And Frank has a beard.
My grandma told me this one
An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear and answered. When he finished, he explained that he has a microchip installed in the palm of my hand. The Irishman, feeling very low tech, came up with a brilliant idea as to not be outdone. He left the sauna to go the bathroom, and came back with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse. The two men raise their eyebrows at him, and he says: āWill you look at that! Iām getting a fax.ā
Last night, I explained to my son what the word ābargainā means.
I think it meant a great deal to him.
I sat my son down and said, āLook son, in life if you act like a pussy then youāll never get any pussyā
My wife said, āMatthew, how dare you use that language in front of him?ā I said, āSorry dear, it wonāt happen againā My son said, āI see what you mean Dad.ā
My neighboor rang my doorbell at 5 am..
Luckily I was already up, playing drums.
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.
But I couldn't find a manual.
Why is it hard to read a crowd of chemists?
They have a lot of mixed reactions.