No bank or bigot too big to bust!
Me: Ok, 45 past 60. Boss: You’re fired.
They're both pro-grammars
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.
He always has stuff to do.
He’ll be know as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance…
I told her not to worry I’ll definitely get my money out of it.
They are for-prophet organizations, after all.
That's where I draw the line.
My wife said we should hire a maid. “The job will get done a lot more often, and they’ll do a way better job!”
Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.
It was about time.
My wife is 37 weeks pregnant and is scheduled to be induced this morning. She woke up last night just after midnight (I checked) to use the washroom and when she got back into bed I asked her if it was after 12 yet. She said she thought so and asked why. I told her I wanted to be the first to wish her a Happy Birth Day! She appropriately groaned then giggled, so I think I'm ready. Wish me luck!
My parents used to tell me that joke all the time. Still remember it to this day.
well i cant because he's not here
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Without looking really dumb.
I yelled back: Well why do you keep throwing them away? I got a very stern look.
911, what's your emergency? "I'm masturbating too much" Sir, that's not really a problem. "One sec. DID YOU HEAR THAT MOM? NOW GET OFF MY CASE!
She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!" Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
The Doctors were trying to convince me, I'm actually a Swedish bloke who had forgotten his identity… But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!
St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?" "Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?" "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven." "Sounds easy enough. OK." So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?" The old man replied, "I was a carpenter." Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked. "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him." Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?" "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet." Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?" The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
A wide supremacist.
The corners. They’re 90 degrees.
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
But I'm a grandfather.
I’m gonna put my glasses on
It's been years since he managed to erect anything
I can fall asleep with a light on.
He's below c-level
2020, 24 hours to go…
He said: “Suuuuureee YOU can!”
It's fine, he woke up.
…It seemed to be a booby trap.
Its a boring job
I don’t think I’ll be able to look at her in the same light ever again.
Battle royale with cheese.
Because to construct them, you need to install windows
Only the Sith deal in Absolut.
Facebook still thinks I have friends.