No bro left out šŖš¼š
Why don’t hamburger buns ever get along?
There's always beef between them.
Patches of land are the only thing I find upsetting
it takes a lot to offend me
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
Babies shouldn’t be delivered.
Livers are important.
My son wanted some girl advice, so I told him, āIf you are intimidated by a date, remember one thing.ā
They are just big raisins.
The invention of the shovel was ground-breaking.
No text found
Did you hear about the dad who swapped genders and now no one can find him?
He became trans-parent.
I decided to try something new and get my wife a box of red hot chili peppers for Valentines
she told me "give it away, give it away, give it away NOW" !
Did you hear about the guy in 1981 that got LSD and LDS mixed up?
Instead of going on a trip, he went on a mission.
Three samurais compete with each other
Three samurais are sitting around a camp fire when suddenly, one boasts. "I am the world's best swordsman!" – he stands up, whips out his sword and cut a fly in half. The second samurai says,"No, I'm the best." and he sees a fly -his sword flashes twice- then the fly falls into 4 pieces. The third samurai, wanting to prove them both wrong says "Hold my sake.". He stands, slashes at a fly… and the fly continued flying. The first two samurais erupted into laughter – but the third explains "That poor fly, he can never have sex again!"
What do you call a bigoted fashion designer?
Clothes-minded.
An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar…
…and stumbles to the bartender. āBarkeep, Oiāll have a pointā, he slurs. The bartender looks him over critically. āA pint? Sorry sir, but I canāt serve you. Youāre clearly too drunk.ā The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front door. 5 minutes later, the Irish Man stumbles in again, this time through the side door. āBarkeep! āOw are ye dis foine eveninā? Oiāll have a point, if ye willā, he says to the bartender with a smile. āNone of that charm will do you any good, sir. Off you go now. Come back when youāre more sober.ā āBah! Foine, foineā, the Irish Man replies, turning around and knocking over a stool before stumbling out the side door. Another five minutes pass, and the Irish Man once again saunters in, this time through the back door. āBarkeep! Oiāll have a drink, and make er a double!ā Having lost his patience, the bartender finally yells āSir! I will not be serving you any alcohol, and if I see you again tonight, Iāll never serve you another drink!ā The Irish man wobbles slightly before squinting his eyes in confusion. āAlright, Alright, Oiāll be on me way. But before Oi go, Oiāve one question for yaā, he says, leaning in, āHow many fookinā bars do ye work at anyway?ā
Back in the day, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Now, everyone owns a car and the rich have horses…
My, how the stables have turned!!
Once i told a hammer joke
I nailed it.
I recently changed my alarm clock music to a Justin Bieber song.
Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day so that I donāt have to listen to it.
I had a gold fish who could break dance on a carpet.
… for 20 seconds. … And only once.
What do you call a person who lives in Sweden but isn’t from there?
An artificial swedener (((Or "Swede-ish" as another user suggested)))
When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.
It always was my achilles elbow.
Why can’t you trust atoms?
because they make up everything.
A cowboy, who just
moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." āIt hasn't affected my brothers though."
I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump…
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservativeā Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over. ~Emo Philips, the best religious joke of all time according to someone
There is a horse. The horse says “I don’t think.” and disappears.
This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am." But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
Wanna hear a joke about the ozone layer?
[depleted]
Tonight I took my son to hockey practice and realized my wife forgot to pack his jersey from the dryer.
She told me she had everything, and I was in a rush. So it got left behind. Figured it out right away as we were getting him changed and messaged my wife. She said she would bring it right away. I told my son "You mom is going to run your jersey over" Without skipping a beat, he replied "Well that won't work, practice will probably be over. I wish she would just drive it over" Then he gave me a huge grin. I told him he won the dad joke of the day and he continued smiling all the way until bedtime.
I woke up this morning and found that someone dumped a bunch of legos on my front door step.
I donāt know what to make of it.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He PASTAway
Yesterday I ate a clock
It was very time consuming, especially when i went back for seconds
[Long] One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage.
One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in the garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know that boat is such an ongoing expense and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment. And what's the use of that vintage hot rod sports car?" Bob got a horrified look on his face. She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong?ā He replied, "You were starting to sound like my ex-wife.ā "Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!ā Bob replied, "I wasn't…"