No but seriously I laughed so hard🤣🤣🤣🤣
Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.
For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.
How do you communicate with a fish?
You drop him a line.
What do Mexico and Canada have in common?
They both border on stupidity.
A guide on how to fall down the stairs:
Step 1, Step 2, Step 3, Step 6, Step 12
I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters.
Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam.
I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.
She asked how warm is it inside. I said Lukewarm.
The First French Fries Weren’t Cooked In France
they were cooked in grease
I called my boss this morning.
"I won't be coming today," I said. "My legs aren't working properly." "What kind of excuse is that?" He asked. I replied, "A lame excuse."
You say the punchline first
How do you ruin a joke?
There’s a company that will help you temporarily find memories you’ve lost, for a fee.
Just visit Rent-A-Missing Reminiscing!
We got pulled over and the cop wanted to know if my dad knew why. “With all due respect sir,” my dad replied…
"If you forgot, I'm not going to remind you."
A murderer who had poisoned his victims with iron supplements eventually and inadvertantly poisoned himself.
When he realized his mistake, he immediately called the police and confessed to all of the killings before laying down upon his death bed awaiting his own end, the same end that he had inflicted upon so many others. News media quickly came to the hospital and the killer was eventually asked two questions by two seperate reporters, one question following the other so quickly that he could not respond to the first before hearing the second. The first reporter asked, "How did the coffee taste that tipped you off into realizing you had poisoned yourself?" Where the second reporter blurted out, "How would you describe this situation where you have killed yourself by the very means you used to kill others?" The murderous man only responded once before breathing his last breath: "Irony," he replied.
What does a Jew do to his coffee?
Hebrews it.
My wife is really mad at the fact that i have no sense of direction.
So i packed up my stuff and right.
A Joke from my little cousin
What do you call a bunch of monkeys all mixed up? An Orangatangle!
Why do the Hong Kong police wake up early?
To beat the crowd.
What’s the 9 letters of the pirate alphabet? (CORNY ALERT)
R, I, and the seven c’s (Say aloud) XD this made me laugh, hope it brightens your day
How Many Police Officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None they beat the room for being black.
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day.
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day. He has his hands full – the kid was screaming for candy, cookies… all sorts of things. The dad kept saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, this won’t take long. Just chill out.” He had another outburst in the cereal aisle and his dad just said "Settle down, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, buddy.” At the checkout, I see him in the next lane over and the kid is throwing items out of the cart. His Dad says again, super-calmly, “William… William, relax! Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in ten minutes. Just stay cool, William.” It was impressive. So, as we're both walking out of the store I turned to him and said “I'm sure it’s none of my business, but you were amazing back there. I don’t know how you kept your composure. I might have snapped if my son was in that kind of mood. William is very lucky to have you as his dad!” And he said “Thanks! But actually, I'm William. This little shit's name is Collin.”
I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids…
I'm a faux pa.
A man dies and goes to Hell…
Given his cruel, sadistic streak, the demons really like this guy and start giving him some say in how the day-to-day life of Hell can be made more Hellish for the other souls. He introduces bizarre new forms of torture on an almost daily basis. One day, the man comes up with his darkest, most ingenious torture ever. However, it requires removing all light from Hell. He goes over his idea with one of the demons. "I like it, I like it!" says the Demon. "But I don't have the authority to make a change like that. We have to speak to someone far more evil than I am." So they go to this giant gilded door, walk in, and see a large, horned devil standing inside. Intimidated, the man starts squirming and asks, "Who is that?" "That's Beelzebub, one of the seven princes of Hell." They explain their plan to Beelzebub. "I like it, I like it!" says Beelzebub. "But I don't have the authority to make a change like that. We have to speak to someone far more evil than I am." The man, the demon, and Beelzebub all go to a magnificent castle. Inside, on a chair, is an enormous horned devil more fearsome than Beelzebub. Even Beelzebub looks intimidated. "Who is that?" whispers the man. "That's Satan himself!" replies the demon. They explain their plan to Satan. "I like it, I like it!" says Satan. "But I don't have the authority to make a change like that. We have to speak to someone far more evil than I am." The man, the demon, Beelzebub, and Satan all approach this magnificent stone spire, climb up it, blow a horn, and down comes a rather unassuming-looking office worker in a button-down shirt. Satan starts looking intimidated by his evilness. "Who's that?" whispers the hellbound man. "That's the guy who made Reddit's 'Promoted' ad content now appear three or five posts down the subs' feeds rather than in a banner at the top."
I don’t always roll joints…
But when I do it’s usually an ankle
My wife left me when I became a contortionist.
I should be sad, but I'm knot.
I loaned my car to an Italian chef last week.
He returned it all denty. Edit: my first gold! Thank you kind stranger.
Bobby had sex with a teacher.
Little Bobby came home from school and proudly announced to his Mom, " I had sex with a teacher today." Mom's infuriated. "Boy, get your ass up to your bedroom. Your father can take care of this when he gets home." When Dad arrives, Mom explains the situation, and Dad, feigning anger, rushes upstairs slamming doors. Charging into his son's room, he exclaims loudly, "Boy, what the hell have you been up to?!?" Then in a whisper, "Hell yeah, son. High five. Got any questions for the old man?" To which, little Bobby replied, " Yeah, Dad. How much longer is my butt gonna hurt?"
What’s the heights of over confidence
. Edit: thank you kind stranger for the Silver!
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
"I'm lucky to have lived this long despite my dangerous line of work and the frankly displeasing state of healthcare in the 16th century"
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
Angela Merkel is taking a holiday in Poland.
At the border, she's stopped by a border security officer. "Name?" asks the officer. "Angela Merkel," she says. "Occupation?" asks the officer. "Look, we said we were sorry," she replies.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my trail mix.
Kina want to tell the pediatrician I speak Old English just to see what happens…
https://ift.tt/2LZRzU4
A german was peeing in a street in New York…
… and a lady looks at him and says: 'Gross.' To which the German replies: 'Danke!'
I wanted to become a doctor…
But, I just didn't have the patients…