No crying afterwards
A guy said to God, “Is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?”
God said yes. The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?" God said yes. The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?" God said, "Sure, just a second."
I may have gone overboard helping my 7th grade daughter with her science project video.
https://youtu.be/22ekP1YaHVg
Is infinity odd or even?
Oddly enough, it's even. But even so, it's still an odd concept.
I bumped into an old school friend today.
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.”
What do you call a dinosaur with shoes on?
Zapatosaurus
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Everywhere
A joke from my daughter: Where does a tongue go to drop off its old clothes?
The Salivation Army
Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50
Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes. Riceless.
The 10th film for The Fast and Furious was just announced
And its called "Fast Ten, Your Seatbelt"
Why don’t burns go to college?
Because they've already got their degrees.
If we make it past 2020, I’ll be dreading 2022.
After all, 2022 is 2020, too!
You know what happens if you don’t pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
A man gets pulled over by the police…
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."
My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
A guy goes over to his new girlfriends house for dinner with her family. Unfortunately he has severe gas…
He is fighting to hold it in while they all eat. Unable to hold it in anymore he lets out a fart and the grandma shouts “Rover!” He realizes the dog is sitting next to him and is relieved that the dog is being blamed. So naturally he lets out another one and this time the father shouts “Rover!” Satisfied with the cover up of the dog being blamed he rips his biggest fart yet, this time the mother shouts “Rover! Get over here before that man shits all over you!”
My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film.
Our dates can be summarized as follows: Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN!
Why don’t americans eat snails?
Because they like fast food.
9/11 jokes are not funny
But the other 2 are
Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships when returning to port?
So they can Scan da Navy in