No explanation needed
Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
Public Apology
I apologize to everyone in the sub about my earlier post. I was trying to make a funny joke, but I spelled the title wrong and couldn't go back. After that, everything spiraled out of control. I thought about deleting it and pretending it never happened, even denying it's very existence, but after a moment of reflection I realized: There's no use lying over spelled milk.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
An ambulance! He's got a car on his head!
“Hey dad, what does gay mean?” The boy asked his dad
"Gay is when a person is happy." his dad replied The boy thought for a long time before asking "Hey dad, are YOU gay?" His dad quickly responded again with "No son, I'm married to your mother."
3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. “First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner. “Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.” The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?” “Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.” “Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector. “Thought he was having his picture taken.
I tell my wife I’m close to 60,000 Karma on my Reddit, and she says the only Karma I need in my life is her..
I reminded her Karma's a Bitch..
Spot on!
https://ift.tt/35cKZB2
Why does the Norwegian Navy put barcodes on the sides of their ships?
So when the ships come back to port, they can Scandinavian.
What’s the least spoken language?
Sign language.
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to do 34.5
She asked "what's that?" I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"
Who keeps the children
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a soda comes out, who does the soda belong to… me or the machine?"
Never marry an archaeologist
They're always digging up the past.
What do you call someone who doesn’t fart in public?
A private tutor
I was feeling very lonely so I bought some shares…
It’s nice to have a bit of company…
I beat my wife at dominos the other night.
She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.
I used to sell home security systems.
It was super easy. I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.
Next Summer I’m applying for a job cleaning mirrors.
It's something I can see myself doing.
Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway! ~ My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska…
I have a fear of two letter words
I get scared just thinking about it!
What do u call a zombie that writes music?
A decomposer
I find bone puns very
Humerus
My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other?
Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I’d put the mask on before I left for work this morning……
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
Just spent 8 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt…
It was a waist of time.
The farmer and his wife needed a new bull…
There was a man who lived on a farm with his wife in the middle of nowhere. All they owned was a truck, a few cows, and an old bull. They didn't have much, but they were happy. One day, the farmer woke up and found that the bull had died. He went to his wife and said, "I take our money into the town and buy us a new bull. I know you need the truck here to keep the farm running, so when I get us a bull, I'll send you a telegraph so you know when to pick us up." His wife went and got the money and then said goodbye. The farmer arrived in town late that day and had to get a hotel room. The next morning he only had 401 dollars left. He went to the market and was able to buy a strong, young bull with the 400 dollars. It had been a long time since he had been to town, but as long as the telegraph prices hadn't gone up, he should be able to send a full sentence to his wife with his dollar. When he arrived at the post office, he said to the telegraph operator: "I need to send a message to my wife so she can pick up my bull and I. How much is a word?" "Prices went up a few years ago," replied the operator. "A word is 1 dollar." "Oh no," said the farmer "I can only send one word!" He thought for a little while and then said, "Ok, send my wife the word 'comfortable.'" "Comfortable? Are you sure?" asked the operator. "My wife has a 4th grade education," the farmer replied. "When she reads she has to sound each word out syllable by syllable. So when she sees the word comfortable, she'll read it as 'come-for-ta-bull.'"
What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?
He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.
Did you know the flag of Japan is actually a pie chart?
Of how much of Japan is Japan.
The snow yeti stopped doing sas-squats and started doing sit ups.
Now he's the Abdominal Snowman.
What type of music do balloons hate?
Pop music!