No gifts under the tree
The Island Joke.
There was an island with three kingdoms on it. Let's call them A, B and C. The island had a fresh water lake on it and the lake itself had an island. The three kingdoms always kept fighting over this island. One day the three kingdoms decided to settle this dispute once it for all and sent small portions of their armies. Kingdom A sent 15 knights and 25 squires; kingdom B send 20 knights and 25 squires and Kingdom C sent one knight and one squire. The knights decided among themselves that this fighting was beneath them and decided to let the squires settle things by themselves. While the squires of Kingdom A and Kingdom B were warming up, the squire of Kingdom C erected a tall pole, tied a noose to it and hung a pot in the noose. When they actually started fighting, the squire of kingdom C was able to successfully fight off all the other squires, because the squire of the high-pot-and-noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
Why is 77 better than 69?
You get 8 more!
I spotted a bunch of people in a long line and asked with a laugh “is this the punch line?”
One of them responded, "pho queue." The guy lied. There wasn't any soup noodles.
I want to tell a joke about Nearly-Headless Nick.
But I'm afraid I won't execute it properly.
What’s the difference between a pizza and a musician?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
Can people stop making coronavirus jokes
Iâm getting sick of them
Why are all the black guys afraid of the white guy in prison?
Cause they know he actually did it.
[First day as a rookie cop.]
Me: Dispatch, suspect is dancing down Main street, completely nude. Dispatch: Copy that. Me: Well I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer.
My wifeâs sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.
Astonished, my wife asked her âHow could you afford this?!â âYou know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,â she replied. Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, âI think Iâll start doing that.â âMe too,â I replied, turning to my sister in law. âWhatâs your husbandâs number?â
Where do dead cows get buried?
Cattlecombs
I believe that venison made from female deer should be classed as a form of bread.
After all, it's cooked doe.
The Teacher Asked the Class to Name Something that Ends in -Tor and Eats Things.
Gabe raised his hand first. He said, "Predator." "Clever answer! They sure eat things!" The teacher told him. Next, Dylan raised his hand. "Oh! I know! Raptor!" "You are very smart! Raptors eat many different things," the teacher said. Then, little Timmy answered. "Vibrator!" The class went dead silent. The teacher told Timmy, "Um Timmy, I don't think vibrators eat things…" Timmy was confused. "Really? My sister told me it ate through batteries like crazy!"
I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city.
Hold on, it's 900. Edit: No, wait, it's 500.
My girlfriend is like the coronavirus
I don't have the coronavirus
I have sex almost everyday!!!
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday, almost on Thursday, almost on Friday, almost on Saturday, almost on Sunday
God: “I didn’t say trumpets would signal the end of the world.”
"I said Trump/Pence."
If a person overdoeses on Viagra
Do they die hard?
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven't heard from him since.
Two reasons why itâs hard to solve a Redneck murder
The DNA all matches There are no dental records
Iâm having a small get together for Tom Hiddlestonâs birthday
Itâs a Loki event.
I wasnât sure if I liked my beard…
But itâs growing on me.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
Jeff Bezos: “Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer.”
Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Steve Jobs would’ve made a better president than Donald Trump
But that's comparing apples to oranges
How long does it take to eat another banana?
A bananosecond
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, âWhatâs going on?â âYou tell me?â replied my wife. I said, âI donât know, youâre sitting on the sofa with a stranger.â âA stranger, hey?â shouted my girlfriend, âIâm no stranger, weâve been having sex for six months!â I looked at my wife and said, âIs this true?â
A man wants to enter a club heâs visiting in cuba, but there’s a tough looking bouncer that wonât let anyone in.
A cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says… "I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in. Less than a minute later, another cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says, "I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in. The man who wants to enter, having no beard eventually walks up to the bouncer and says, "I'm with the police." Raising an eyebrow, the bouncer asks where his beard is. Pulling down his pants, the man replies with, "I'm undercover." The bouncer lets him in.
I donât get any of these dad jokes in this community!!!!
I must not have Reddit right.
Are you today’s date?
Because you're 10/10.
a boy was asked to think of three good quotes at school
he went home and asked his mother, she said âa fool and his money are soon partedâ he asked his father, he said âask and you shall receiveâ he asked his grandfather, who served the military, he said, âwhere the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is provedâ he went back to school, where he coincidentally was tasked to perform a bake sale. his teacher walked by and he chanced upon this opportunity to tell his teacher the three quotes, the teacher bought a cupcake and the boy said, âa fool and his money are soon partedâ in rage, the teacher got angry and said, âi want to send you to the principals officeâ he then replied, âask and you shall receiveâ at the principals office, he was told by him that he will be punished if he does not stop such behaviour, the boy finally replied, âwhere the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is testedâ much to everyoneâs surprise the spanish inquisition arrived
I woke up this morning and found that someone has dumped a bunch of celery on my front porch.
I think Iâm being stalked.
Whatâs the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.
Itâs crazy how fast milk trucks are driven these days…
One blink and theyâve gone pasteurise.
