No-goat area
What do you call a farm when none of the cows give milk?
An udder disaster.
A programmer was leaving the house and his wife said “While you’re out, get some milk”
He never returned and the world ran out of milk.
A zoo just had several break-ins and many animals are now running around loose in the park. In today’s meeting however, management was only concerned about discussing changes to the gift shop…
I'm not sure why we're not addressing the elephant in the room…
I was addicted to soap
but now I'm clean.
Dark humor is like food
Not everyone gets it
I have an EpiPen…
My friend gave it to me while he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it.
I walked in on my boss vigorously masturbating
He told me to stop masturbating and get the hell out of his office
Smoking will kill you, bacon will kill you…
Smoking bacon cures it
Hey, I’m not saying Hitler was a great guy.
But he really saved the History channel.
My son didn’t cope well with going to jail.
He refused to eat or drink anything. He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own shit. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
Why are electricians the best journalists?
They are always working on current events.
A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,………. Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.” “I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.” “Wow!…………………. That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed. “ Good”, she replied. …………… “Get your own f***ing blanket.” After a moment of silence, …………………… he farted.
I went to the doctor and he cloned me without my permission.
I was beside myself.
I heard the bakers parents were also bakers.
You could say he was bread for the job.
My wife’s dog died. Soto cheer her up I bought her another one just like it. …
She was furious. “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?” she said.
Why was F jealous of C?
Because it was hotter
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
I went to a zoo that only had a dog in it.
It was a shih tzu
I was changing a light bulb the other day. Then I crossed the street and walked into a bar.
It was then I realized my life was a joke.
Why was Han Solo crying at the dinner table?
Because the meat was Chewie.
Whats the opposite of minimum?
maxidad
What is blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Light blue.
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch, I guess!"
On a cold winter’s morning
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer is really screwed up now.”
My girlfriend asked me to pass her the lip balm, I gave her superglue by mistake.
She’s still not talking to me.
Where do sheep get their haircut?
At the baa baa shop!
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
How do you turn Six into Nine?
Remove the S
I was telling jokes about nuts and bolts
But then I screwed up.
I hate using Microsoft internet browsers
It has me on Edge
I went on a tea marathon last night.
After 5 chamomiles, I was exhausted.
Did you know if you took all the human blood vessels and layed them out end to end
You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck
What happened to the frogs car when it broke down?
It got toad away.