What’s blue and not so heavy?
Light blue
When two people have sex it’s called a two-some, when three people have sex it’s a threesome
Guess that's why my dad calls me handsome.
What rhymes with banana?
No it doesn't
My favorite time of the day is 6:30
Hands down
Did you hear about the dwarf who was pickpocketed?
How could anyone stoop so low??
Why did the cake go to the doctor?
It was a coughee cake.
What is the opposite of adulting?
Just kidding.
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions…
Oh well, hindsight is 1
I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm
If you can’t come, let me know
My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to her.
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside the house today and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it…
Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you’ll hear Satan.
Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does it…
He's gay, definitely gay.
I tell dad jokes sometimes
He laughs
A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.” The Englishman says, “Clearly, they’re English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.” The Soviet replies, “No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.
Son: “Where are my sunglasses?”
Dad: "I don't know…where are my dad glasses?"
Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon, everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sitting there calmly…
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?" "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
I like my women how I like my Coronavirus
19 and easy to spread
Finally about to do a major (well deserved) upgrade on my rig but still relevant
https://ift.tt/394vVap
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He is a web designer.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $285…
That's why, in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
“How are you mate?” “Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?” EDIT: Gold already?! Thank you so much guys!!
Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up!
Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"
Got my dad with this one
Currently staying at a hotel with my dad. Next to the parking lot there’s a sign that says “pet grounds”, pointing to where you can walk your dog. My dad reads it aloud, “pet grounds”, so I say “alright then”. I crouched down, pet the grass a little bit and said, “good grounds”. Got a good laugh out of it.
Why do flamingos sleep with one leg up?
Because if they slept with both legs up they would fall over. My 14yo daughter just dropped this one on us.
I don’t mean to make sweeping generalizations…
…but all brooms are pretty much the same.
“What’s your wage?” asked my friend.
I said, "It's the amount of money I make."