No i dont think this is real lads
Why didn’t the lifeguard rescue the hippie?
Because he was too far out man.
I’ve been searching for my ex wife’s killer for the past two years.
No one is willing to do it.
A man took his six year old girl to the office
As they were walking around the office, the girl started crying. Her father asked what was wrong with her. As the staff gathered around she sobbed loudly 'Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?'
I’d like to start dieting…
…but I just have too much on my plate right now.
What are German Nazis and grammar nazis both guilty of?
Crimes against piece
My Grandfather has the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the zoo
A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.
"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks. "Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with. Still showing reservations, the woman asks, "What about the child's education?" "Not to worry," the couple assure her. "We have a full time tutor with years of experience that can provide our child with the finest education that money can buy." "I see," says the woman behind the desk. "But what about the child's health?" "We also have in our employ a full time nurse with a degree in pediatric medicine who will be able to attend to all of our child's needs." "Well, it certainly sounds like you've thought of everything. Were you looking to adopt a girl or a boy?" "Doesn't matter", the couple tell her. "As long as it fits in the cannon."
I got fired today because my manager caught me masturbating with a vegetable during my break
Apparently nursing homes have “strict rules” about what you can do with the patients.
Man walks into a bar with a boot on his head
The Canadian bartender says, "what's that about?" Man says, "yes."
Anal sex is a lot like my first car…
I didn't really want it, but my uncle gave it to me anyway.
Did you know the white-tail deer can jump higher than the average house?
This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact the average house can't jump.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
A woman is walking hand-in-hand with her husband on Christmas Eve In Moscow
They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces. The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining." Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minutes until they see the local Communist officer, Comrade Rudolph, walk past. The husband says to his wife, "Look, dear, there's Comrade Rudolph, our local Communist officer. He always knows the truth. We''l ask him!" With that, the husband shouts, "Comrade Rudolph, is it raining or is it snowing?" Comrade Rudolph looks to the sky and says, "Raining," the continues on. The wife looks at her husband and says, "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video.
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza delivery guy.
Student: Are “well” and “actually” both single-syllable words?
Teacher: Well yes , but actually no
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.Those who understand binary and those who dont.
https://ift.tt/37g9Ztt
Why didn’t the cannibal eat the guy with no legs?
He was lacktoes intolerant.
What’s the difference between acne and a priest?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.
I got mad when my teacher told me I was an average student.
It was just a mean thing to say.
You know what’s wrong with political jokes?
They sometimes get elected.
What do storm troopers and churches have in common?
Pew-Pew-Pew-Pew-Pew
My girlfriend thinks I act too feminine, and she’s always questioning my sexuality. She says I should try to act tougher, so that if she feels threatened by some guy she can feel safe with me…
but I assured her that if any guy tries to get too close to her I'd be the first one to beat him off.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards….
creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is
You serve alcohol at a party no one bats an eye
I serve laxatives at one and everyone loses their shit
What’s the difference between Al Capone and Anakin Skywalker driving an Uber
One's a tax evader, the other is a taxi Vader
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
"Don't worry," said the doctor. "Those are just contractions."
Robber broke into my house to find money
I searched with him
My son and I were fishing and He said to me, “i used to know a guy with a wooden leg named Smith”.
I replied, “funny, what was the name of his other leg”.
Is an entire TV show a valid “boomer humor” submission? Because this show is awful.
https://ift.tt/2XamZh8