No it wont
My Computer is a lot like a Chargers game
They both only have two fans
What is the phobia of chainsaws called?
Common Sense
Did you hear about the guy who accidentally drank varnish and died? He had a terrible end…
But a beautiful finish
What do you call a color that doesn’t exist?
A pigment of your imagination.
A duck walks into a bar…
One lunchtime a duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and an all day breakfast. The bartender looks at him and says, "Fucking hell! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my fry up please?" "Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his fry up, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens every lunchtime for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him: "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats fry ups, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," says the bartender. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the bartender. "The fucking circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?" "Yeah!" the bartender replies. "With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck. "Of course," the bartender replies. "And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a fucking big hole in the middle?" says the duck. "That's right!" says the bartender. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "Why the fuck would they want a plasterer?"
I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.
I've never seen one before, but I have faith.
Before Beyoncรฉ got married,
she was someone's Feyoncรฉ
I only knock up antivaxxers.
Because 8 years of child support is better than 18.
Went to a zoo that only had one animal in it, and it was a dog.
It was a pretty Shih Tzu
Yesterday I called the suicide hotline, and they didn’t pick up
Way to leave me hanging guys
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
A blonde called up her boyfriend and said,
โPlease come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I canโt for the life of me figure out how to put it together or how to get it started.โ Her boyfriend asked, โWhat is it supposed to be when itโs finished?โ The blonde said, โAccording to the picture on the box, itโs a tiger.โ Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread out all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, โFirst of all, no matter what we do, weโre not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.โ He took her hand and said, โSecond, I want you to relax. Letโs have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then. . .โ he sighed, . . .โletโs put all of these Frosted Flakes back into the box.โ
Democratic Socialism isn’t “free stuff”. It is getting services for your tax dollars.
https://ift.tt/2H6meMP
1,2,3,4 and 5 are sitting in class, why did 3 get kicked out?
He was being mean
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."ย He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
Whenever I’m asked “What happened in 1492?”, people are always surprised by my answer.
Nobody expects "The Spanish Inquisition".
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
I hired the most obese personal assistant I could find.
Sheโs a really big help.
Doctor: You should stop masturbating
Me: Why doc? Is there something wrong? Doctor: Its making me really uncomfortable
What is Gordon Ramsayโs favorite subreddit?
Itโs fucking r/aww
Sergeant: โSmith! I didnโt see you at camouflage practice today!โ
Private Smith: โThank you, Sir!โ
I made a chemistry joke yesterday in class
It had no reaction.
All the girls in a classroom were upset by Little Eddy!
After months of enduring his foul language and sexual innuendoes in class, the girls decide to walk out of the class in protest in case Eddy says anything sexual or offensive. Class starts and the teacher says: "OK kids, today's subject will be buildings and construction. Who can tell me how buildings are made?" The class remains quiet, then little Eddy raises his hand and says "Madam, I know". The teacher says, "OK Eddy, please explain." Eddy: "Well, first before anything you need a permit from the city for the construction project to begin, that could take months. Once you get the permit, then come the bulldozers to basically dig into the earth to create the foundation. Then, cement is poured into the foundation and pylons are inserted. Around the pylons, the outer structure of the building is made, floors, walls, ceilings.Then comes wiring and plumbing. Next drywall can be installed along with flooring and fixtures. When all is said and done, you still have to get an occupancy permit from the city before you can actually use the building. The class remains quiet. The teacher says: WOW Eddy! Bravo, that was amazing, how did you learn all that? Eddy: For the past many months, just a few doors down from our house, they have been building what I think is a huge whore house, I've watched the whole thing from start to finish. At that moment, all the girls suddenly get up and start to walk out. Eddy looks around and says: Woah woah woah, girls sit down, they are still waiting for the permit!
A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .
. . . except for his boots. โWhere your clothes at, Slim?โ โBack at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, โI wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.โ So I followed her. She says, โTake off all your clothes.โ So I do. Then she takes off her clothes, and says, โYou like what you see?โ Fellers, she had the most bodacious body I ever did see! I said, โYes, maโam, I do!โโ Then she lays down on a blanket, all friendly-like, and says, โWell, then, go to town, Cowboy!โ So I pulled on my boots and here I am.โ
I donโt get the purpose of an air filter
It just sits there and collects dust.
A lawyer is arrested by the cops
He says: "I refuse to say anything without a lawyer present." Cop: "You are a lawyer." Lawyer: "Exactly, so where is my present?"
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together…
In the past, the poor had horses and the rich had cars. Now, the poor have cars and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
In his grandfather’s overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955
A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90. In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955. In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see that the shoe shop was still in business and is still at the same location. The man enters the shop and starts talking to the owner. The owner explains that he is, in fact, the grandson of the original owner and has worked in the shop all his life. The man gives the ticket to the shop owner and he heads into the back of the shop just to see if the shoes are still there. After some time he returns from the back of the and exclaims "Amazingly I was able to find the shoes! They will be ready on Monday."
After watching me read โWar and Peaceโ, my son asked me, โDad, why is the book so thick?โ
Me: Well, itโs ……a long story.
Two women were playing golf
The first woman teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skillful massage for several long moments and softly asked 'How does that feel'? Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than sex?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
…but his brother Frank was a monster.