Whiteboards are remarkable.
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What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Why did the rapper shave off his fancy mustache?
It couldn't handle the bars.
What do you call Batman when he skips church?
Christian Bale.
What does a vegan zombie eat?
Graaainns
What’s the difference between light and hard?
I can fall asleep with a light on.
I am surprised I didn’t get any upvotes on the joke about a spine that I posted recently.
It was about a week back.
I have finally made it
I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.
So a naked woman walks into a bar and asks for a beer…
The bartender stares at her body from head to toe then serves her a beer. She drinks it and asks for another beer. The bartender stares at her for longer and serves her a second beer. The woman again drinks it and asks for a third beer. Then the bartender starts to look at her with an amused expression, until the woman says: — What, have you never seen a naked woman before? — That I have, miss. I'm wondering where you're keeping the money to pay for the beers.
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering
Eminem is the first celebrity to be diagnosed with the corona virus
In a statement he said his palms were sweaty knees weak arms were heavy and presented to the emergency room the vomit on his sweater already .Later tests conclude it was in fact moms spaghetti
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
Being ugly every day sucks.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
I don’t always install solar panels for free…
But this ones on the house
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 3 weeks
I didn't want to interrupt her
The FBI, CIA and KGB go into a forest for a rabbit hunting competition.
They each have 2 days to do it and whoever finds a rabbit the fastest wins. First, the FBI go in. They go in with the latest and greatest rabbit locating equipment, and it’s clear that they have prepared for a while. They come back after two days with a rabbit in hand. Next, the CIA go in. Their equipment is not as great as the FBI’s but they still look very prepared. After two days, upon finding no rabbits, they conclude that there is no rabbit, there never was, and everybody was lying to them from the start. Finally, the KGB go in. Everyone is afraid for them, as they are going in with nothing but a couple traps and a baseball bat. However, to everyone’s surprise, two days later, the KGB come out with a bear, who is bloody and bruised. One of the members pokes the bear in the stomach and the bear starts screaming, “I AM A RABBIT!”
Guy 1: “If my boss doesn’t take back what he said to me, I’m leaving the company.” Guy 2: “What did he say?”
Guy 1: "Leave the company."
I found out the secret to making money…
But first, let me introduce you to todays sponsor Raid Of Shadow Legends.
Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
Guy wakes up in a hospital room, badly beaten within inches of his life.
The doctor is standing over him and asks him what happened. He thinks back. “I was golfing with my wife. She shanked her pink ball into a small cow pasture, just beyond the rough. I went to look for it and finally found it in a cow’s butthole. Last thing I remember is I lifted the tail and shouted ‘HONEY! This looks like yours!!!!’”
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
A hippo is very heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office:
I will find you. You have my Word!
I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.
I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.
I yelled “cow!” at a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger.
Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.
My sister got married the other day and now has 16 husbands….
Four richer, four poorer, four better and four worse…
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s really heavy and one’s a little lighter.
How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
If there’s one thing that makes me throw up.
It’s a dart board on a ceiling.
My wife told me to take the spider out
We had a good night, he was nice, wants to be a web developer
Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa
Because tomorrow he turns 81!