No likie the cross
I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
I asked a midget for a dollar today….
He said "Sorry, I'm a little short"
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. โDo you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?โ
โBecause we donโt need depth perception with our mouths โ was his technically correct answer
I can’t believe I fell asleep at the wheel.
I'm not hurt, but my pottery is ruined
I bought a wooden whistle
But it wooden whistle. So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan…
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan. The egg turns to the sausage and says, "It's getting hot in here!", and the sausage replies "Wow! A talking egg!"
Donโt worry, the coronavirus wonโt last long.
Because itโs made in China.
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers…
Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
I fell in the mud. Wanna hear a clean one? I took a shower.
Is this sub still active?
There hasnโt been a post all year. Happy New Years from New Zealand
Squirrels In Church
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer & consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there, & they should not interfere with God's divine will. At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide. But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrel's & made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
I overheard a man in the changing room
I was in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a phone rings. The guy next to me answers it while he was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I instantly thought, "What a smug bastard!" MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the Metrocentre now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only ยฃ1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2018 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "ยฃ90,000" MAN: "Ok but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking ยฃ950,000". MAN: "Well, then go ahead but come in at ยฃ900,000. They will probably take it but if not, we'll have to do ยฃ950,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape…..He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this fuckin phone belongs to?"
My friends keep telling me Iโm on the autism spectrum…
…I can never tell if theyโre joking or not.
What is the motto of people who harvest organs?
We de-liver
A dog sleepwalks into a bar . . .
He tells the bartender โZZZ Iโm a cat ZZZ Iโm a catโ. The bartender says โYes sir you are.โ The sleepwalking dog leaves and a patron says โWhy did you agree with him? That dogโs not a cat!!โ The bartender replies, โSometimes you gotta let sleeping dogs lie.โ
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage,
when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
You know, I really do love bad puns.
Itโs just how eye roll.
Sir, you’ve got a very rare disease
Me: "How rare?" Doctor: "You pick the name"
I just caught my son googling porn web sites, and Iโm completely heartbroken.
We are strictly a Bing family.
Dad cooks deer for dinner and doesnโt tell the kids…
He gives them a clue. โItโs what your mom calls me!โ. The son yells, โitโs a fucking dick donโt eat it!โ
A man is walking to his car late at night
When he sees a woman on a shady corner. He goes up to ask if she's alright and she responds "I'm a hooker, are you interested?" The man decides to live a little and takes her up on her offer and they go back to his car and go at it like rabbits. Some time during, a cop pulls up and knocks on the window. "Excuse me sir what exactly are you doing?" The man answers "I'm having sex with my wife" The cop replies with "I apologize, I didn't know." The man responds with "Me neither until you shined that flashlight"
I have an unoriginal joke.
But you probably Reddit
I asked my friend how much getting a vasectomy changed his sex life.
He said there was a vas deferens.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
“Mom I have started dating our neighbour…”
"Anders?! But honey, he could be your father!" says mom. Daughter replies "Mom, age is just a number!" "I wasn't talking about his age!"
Why do chicken coops have two doors
If they had four they would be chicken sedans
Why did the sun not go to college?
He already has a million degrees
Why did the pianist get arrested?
Because he was fingering minors.
When life gives you melons
You may be dyslexic
Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.
It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.
How can you tell an ant’s gender?
Simple, put it in water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.