No need to rub it in, okay? :(
A rip off.
You want a piece of me?
No text found
She keeps running away from the ball.
I told her it sounded like a bit of a stretch
A passing soldier notices this, walks over and rolls his pants across the car. Magically, the car unlocks. The woman is relieved but puzzled, asking him how he did it. "That's easy. These are khakis."
A jolly rancher.
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog
Nail salons closed, Lash salons closed, Hair salons closed, Tanning salons closed, waxing salons closed…
It's about to get ugly out there. Stay safe.
He got out and said, "I'm not happy!" So I asked, "Well, which one are you, then?"
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because, since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
I think it’s working, she said we should split up. She went to her parents house and I’m looking for clues in the garden.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set, so I threw the bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
The weather just isn't suitable
One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home finds herself in a local gun shop, purchasing a handgun. The next day she awakens with renewed vengeance for her lover's betrayal. She dresses and immediately heads straight to his apartment, gun tucked in the back of her pants as a failsafe in case things get ugly. Not bothering to knock, she bursts into her boyfriend's apartment to find him and a brunette cuddled up on the couch. As the reality sinks in, the blonde is overcome with complete despair and rage. She whips the gun out and holds it to her own head. The boyfriend leaps off the couch and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The blonde, a vile look in her crazed eyes, entirely devoid of that love she once knew, snarls, "Shut up. You're next."
Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.
It was a vial substance.
With great powder comes great responsability
But none of them work.
They just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.
But her cousin cardio… now she really takes my breath away (A friend told me this when we had school and Jesus did it make me chuckle)
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
Especially if you go to a party dressed as a land mine.
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
I have had a Canon printer for years.
When the punchline becomes apparent!
And its called "Fast Ten, Your Seatbelt"