No need to rub it in, okay? :(
Because it was soda pressing.
So they called it a day.
Tell him Obama put it in…
Until I got kicked out of the library
The tattooed guy brags: "I have the best job, I'm a musician. Each day I have sex at least twice!" The hot blonde responds: "Well, I'm a prostitute. It's literally my job. I have one customer per hour!" Finally the pale looking guy joins in: "Still, none of you gets as much sex during your jobs as I do." After a short, irritated silence the blonde finally dares to ask: "So, what do you do?" "I'm a mortician."
To cover its butt quack.
But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.
“Houston, we have a problem.” What? “Never mind” What’s the problem? “Nothing” Please tell us? “You know what the problem is.”
He said I should try when it's icy on the roads.
Doctor: I'm a Dermatologist, not a veterinarian.
Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
They do everything on porpoise.
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.
When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit. He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?” She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard. The cop rubs his chin and thinks for a moment and then says " OK lady, I'll take that bet." He guesses that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk. “However did you guess that young man?" The old lady says grasping her pearls. "You see ma'am," the cop said snatching up the hundred-dollar bill, "This is Reddit. After I read about you on the third repost, I knew I'd find you soon enough."
It's a bit too foreign-sounding for my liking.
Well, it's not hard.
My wife loves tennis, and she was telling me how distracted she gets at the constant grunting during women’s matches.
I told her I’ll try not doing it again.
That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!
A well educated Barista
I won't be spoken to in that tone!
Sorry that came out wrong. I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
Is nothing sacred?
I was – like – 0MG.
Even the cake was in tiers
The Crimea River.
She wanted to see the task manager.
There was nothing left but de Brie
Edit: Wow! I didn't know this would blow up!
Client: "Why did you have sex with her?!" Employee: "She was just lying there naked! What else was I supposed to do?" Client: "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!" Employee: "I don't tell you how to do your job; don't tell me how to do mine!" Client: "You're the worst veterinarian of all time!"
How you been?
DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”