No need to thank him
My kid asked today where I learned to make ice-cream
I answered 'in sundae school', he laugh-snorted, my wife gave me the look we all know here.
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans.
I keep asking people what LGBT stands for.
No ones given me a straight answer.
Winnie the
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Little Johnny what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Little Johnny thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
Mother in law dies
A guy goes on vacation in the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. So the couple goes to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over $5,000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150. “We’ll ship her home,” says the husband. The undertaker asks, “Are you sure? That’s an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.” The husband says, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll…
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it is cheaper.
They say there is a 50/50 chance to have a female on the opposite side of the gloryhole
Right now I really hope that is a woman's penis
Where does a poor italian live?
In Spaghetto
What genre are national anthems?
Country music.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.
Those damn mooselimbs.
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
What does a mechanic do after a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
Six topless women sounds nice
Dozen tit
My dad once told me that jacking off too much can make you go blind
Then I said "Dad, I'm over here."
My computer said my password is insecure.
Well maybe if it wasn't forced to have such strict requirements it would be more confident.
My dad as we drive over train tracks.
I think a train has just passed by here…. Why do you say that dad? Well look there,points….you can see it's tracks.
I recently found out I was colorblind
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple 😀
![Who’s Erin fantasizing about? (Answer: Someone who makes memes without [badly] using Microsoft Paint)](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/wf8fuez6ghk51-400x472.png)
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances
I said: "There's the door"
What do you call Indiana Jones in a Scandinavian river?
Harrison Fjord
Made a poker table full of strangers groan last night.
I’ve never been so happy to make everyone at a table hate me. Another player and I were getting into a pretty big pot at the Texas Hold Em table at my local casino last night. Towards the end of the hand, he went “all-in” meaning he bet all of the rest of his chips. When he pushed his stacks of chips in the middle, there was a really long hair hanging off of the chips that stayed attached to the top of his chip stack. When the dealer counted up his stack he said “the bet is $205” And I replied “ah, so just a hair over 200 dollars then??” I’ve never wanted kids, but the audible groans I was rewarded with are now making me think I might be ignoring my calling.
People say that being a hostage is hard, but I don’t agree.
I can do that with my hands tied behind my back.
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…
Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtedly the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn ~-leaves-
Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person
"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945
Polish husband
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions; Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home. No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete. I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No we have a carport, and not need one. I mean, What are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her. Is your wife a nagger? No, she white. Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me. What makes you think that? I got proof. What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put it on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: Polish Remover.
So I made a graph of all my past relationships…
It has an ex axis and a why axis. Edit: Thanks for the silver!!
What do you call a line of blonde people?
A barbie queue
I really hate spheres.
They just seem so pointless to me.
Did you know that you can’t run through a campground?
You can only ran through a campground, because it's past tents.
