No need to worry
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils. They dilate.
I have just written a book on how to fall down a staircase.
It's a step by step guide.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there, I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, “They’ve lost the plot.”
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password
It's not stroganoff
I told my son to not marry a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"
I just realized my countertop is made of marble..
I have been taking it for granite all these years.
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight.
"I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckoo'ed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably be awake, I cuckoo'ed another nine times, so that he would think it was 12 cuckoos — or just midnight. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with them. The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him, "Midnight!" He didn't seem pissed in the least. I had gotten away with it, I thought. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he then said, "Well last night our cuckoo clock cuckoo'ed three times, then said `oh shit,' cuckoo'ed four more times, then cleared its throat, cuckoo'ed another three times, giggled, cuckoo'ed twice more and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
A blonde cop is patrolling the highway when she sees a blonde motorist weaving in and out of traffic.
The cop pulls over the motorist and asks for her ID. Note that the motorist was wearing a pink ensemble and that the cop was in uniform when the incident happened. Cop: May I see your ID, ma'am? Motorist: What's an ID? Cop: It's a rectangle with a picture of your face on it. The motorist digs around her purse and pulls out a mirror. The cop takes it, thoroughly examines it, and hands it back to the motorist, saying: "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop!"
Why do pirates love reddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
Son: Hey Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?
Dad: No I got shot in the leggy.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna One, Anna Two
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's really time consuming. Especially if you go for seconds.
Today I was at the bank when two man came in with masks…
Such a relief when they said it was just a bank robbery.
If you’re struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas (or any other special occasion)
Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it
What did one orphan say to another?
Robin, get in the Batmobile
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They're… hill areas.
We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.
He always has stuff to do.
I lost my watch at a party once.
An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
Qassem Soleimani is so popular today.
I mean he just blew up overnight.
One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp.
He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp. Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss." So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account. For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house. Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney…"
“Hi my name is David and i lost my ID…
… I guess you can call me Dav now."
My friends accused me that I have no sense of direction
So I grabbed my things and right.
What do you call Hitler speeding?
The Fast and the Fuherous.
Why couldn’t the sailor play cards?
Because the captain was standing on the deck
A blonde joke
Two blondes are walking down a country road. They come upon a fence along a field. One blonde looks across the field and says "Hey, look at the flock of cows!" Her friend says "HERD of cows, you dolt". And she replies "Of course I've heard of cows, theres a flock of them over there".
A woman reported one of her coworkers for sexual harassment because he said he liked the way her hair smelled. The HR rep said that it wasn’t sexual harassment.
The woman replied, "But it was the midget".
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
“Hey Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?”
"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !" "Thanks dad !" "No problem Alan"
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
“Yes, we arson.”