My wife is leaving me because sheβs fed up with me talking like a news anchor.
More on this story later…
My chemistry teacher asked me what’s an acid + base.
A good party wasn't the correct answer, apparently.
People think Iβm addicted to drinking brake fluid
I always say, βI can stop whenever I want.β
I saw a raccoon with a sewing machine, I asked my wife “Does that raccoon know how to sew?”
She said, "That's how it seams"
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, saying βthis isnβt working anymoreβ
I open the fridge and itβs working fine WTF
Uuhhhhh someone messed up
https://ift.tt/2Ztrunc
Nine ants were kicked out of the apartment complex
Because they were not tenants.
The animals on the Ark wanted to play cards but they couldn’t.
Noah was standing on the deck.
My Ex-Wife Cheated On Me With Her Deaf Best Friend…
Honestly, I shouldβve seen the signs.
Here’s a picture inside of the busiest railway station ( Howrah Station) in India!
https://ift.tt/2Pxb34x
I fired my tailor the other day
He told me, "Fine! Suit yourself!"
Today a girl kissed me
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
I just had to divorce an Apple employee
It was an iDivorce
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong.
βWell," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" βYes," replies Jeff with a laugh. βWell," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally built up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." βThat's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." βSensible" says Jeff. βSo I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." βAnd what happened then?" βI kicked her in the face."
Why are tight pants like a cheap hotel?
No ballroom
I was going to give archery a shot
But thereβs too many drawbacks
i have a hicky from my date with a wizard last night
she was a neck-romancer
A shy man enters a bar
He sees a cute girl sitting at the bar and sits down near her. About an hour later he finally comes up to her and quietly asks her: -Excuse me miss, could I buy you a drink? The girl screams: -No! I am NOT having sex with you!! Everyone at the bar turns and stares at him. Humiliated, he walks away. A few minutes later the girl walks up to him and says: -I'm sorry I embarrassed you. See, I am a psychology student and I am observing human behavior in uncomfortable situations. The man turns and yells: -What do you mean for $200?!
A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. So I called the cops.
He must be a part of some extreme mist group.
The greatest Schrodinger punchline…
or maybe not.
It says βit looks stupid but theyβre finally listening to their teacherβ
https://ift.tt/2v43POg
A dad was washing his car with his son
After awhile, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey dad, why can't we use a sponge?"
How was the roman empire cut in half
With a pair of Caesars
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “What? A miracle?!”
I whispered, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
A Beer Goes Into a Bar and Orders a Drink.
The bartender brings the drink and the beer starts whining. "My life is terrible, Nobody likes me, The world sucks." The bartender replies "it's all in your head."
I’d tell you a joke about unemployed people…
But none of them work.
A catholic priest goes on vacation and asks the janitor to run the confessional booth.
J- β I donβt know how to run the booth though!β P- β It is very easy. Just listen to the peopleβs sins and refer to the chart of sins on the wall. The chart will say how many Hail Marys the sinner must say for it to be forgivenβ The janitor agrees and begins his shift the next day. The first person to walk into the booth is a man. M- β forgive me father for I have sinned as I have lied to my wifeβ The janitor looks at the chart and finds lying J- β just say 2 Hail Marys and your sin will be forgivenβ The next person to walk into the booth is a little boy LB- β forgive me father for I have sinned as I stole something from the storeβ The janitor looks on the chart for stealing and says β just say 3 Hail Marys and your sin will be forgivenβ The next person to walk into the booth is a woman W- β forgive me father for I have sinned as I cheated on my husband and gave another man a blow jobβ The janitor looks on the chart for blow job but he canβt find it. The janitor runs out of the booth in a hurry and sprints into the church. In the church he spots an alter boy. J- βTimmy! Timmy! What does father Nelson usually give for a blow job! ?β Timmy- β usually a bag of chips and a can of popβ
My son asked, “Where’s a good place to get my haircut?”
"From the top of your head, usually," I replied.
Last night I played a blank cassette tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.
My wife found out I was cheating when she saw the letters I was hiding
After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me.
Why is the plane on r/woooosh?
Because it flew over your head.
The people from Stockholm in Sweden must really love it there
They never seem to leave
A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet….
The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site. "This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare." "So why are we here then," the guy asked, "we can't settle here, oxygen must be very rare." "We are not here to settle, kid" the Chief said "we are here to export. It's the biggest stroke of luck the Gaia Company has had since we found that big diamond inside Jupiter. We'll all be very rich after this, you can count on that." They travelled in silence after that until they reached the settlement gates. The new guy couldn't believe his eyes. "The buildings are made of gold!", he said. "Not just gold , it's alloyed with one part platinum and one part radium, to glow at night." When they entered the settlement the guy was even more surprised. "A nuclear reactor at every home?" "Yep, Uranium's as common as dirt here. You just have to dig two inches and there it is. Also very radioactive, that's why we had the ground covered with gold to keep the radiation contained. Now we just supply the uranium through pipes." The guy saw some people carrying large bags down to their houses. "Who are those guys?" he asked. "Scientists. The old buggers are very happy nowadays. All the elements that had to be artificially manufactured on Earth are naturally occuring here. They have been conducting experiments since the day we came here. Some of them haven't been seen for six months." They travelled like this for an hour until they finally reached the Department of Communication. "This is where you are assigned kid" the Chief said "Radio wave communication doesn't work very well here, all the radioactivity in the atmosphere interferes with the signal. So we are going old school, telegraphs. Your job is to manage the lines and look after the posts. You will be the Department Head. There are 20 guys working under you. Come on, let's meet some of them." They walked a little while until they came to a forest. The guy couldn't keep his jaw shut. The trees were made of metals. Some of them were glowing radioactively. Some were burning just by exposure to some oxygen. Some were made of gold, some of platinum, some of silver. "I don't believe this." "Well, it's right in front of your eyes. We brought some trees from Earth to plant here for the oxygen. But things changed. The guys from NASA tell me that because of the lack of common elements found on Earth, the trees had to make use of what they could get. So here we have trees of every precious metal – gold, silver, platinum – you name it. We cut them off and send them to Earth. Pretty soon they're going to become common as iron but till then make hay while the sun shines, right? We don't use them for making the posts as they are actually quite soft and the people try to steal them. Here we also have trees of Seaborgium (chemical symbol Sg, atomic number 106), Flerovium (chemical symbol Fl, atomic number 114) and Oganesson (chemical symbol Og, atomic number 118). All very rare and very important, the guys at NASA are paying us very big money to supply them. They say it's the biggest find in Chemistry since Lavoisier discovered Hydrogen." The Chief was talking while they walked. He stopped near a plantation of trees and pointed to them. The new guy looked at a bunch of trees, silvery-gray in colour, shining smoothly in the moonlight. "Now those are the trees you are interested in", the Chief said. "Made of pure Rhenium (chemical symbol Re, atomic number 75). The fourth or fifth rarest element on Earth. Very strong, third highest melting point, highest boiling point, denser than lead, not affected by strong alkalies, sulphuric acid, hydrochloric acid or even aqua regia. It's the perfect metal for this job. Strong, sturdy and not radioactive. That's what we have been using for the posts all this time." "You don't mean to say…" the new guy began to say. "Yes," the Chief cut him off, "this place is full of Re posts."
Whatβs the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!
Aspirin
A man comes home to his wife with a jar of aspirin. "honey, I got you this aspirin" "but I don't have a headache" "great, let's fuck"
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.