No no covid
What is yellow, but tastes like red paint
Yellow paint
I called my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up burgers and fries on my way home from work, but she just grunted at me…
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins…
What’s the first book in the video game bible?
Sega Genesis.
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
Might be the first meme my dad has ever sent me, a tried and true boomerhumor staple
https://ift.tt/2XTcKOB
When you die which body part dies the last?
Your pupils, they dilate.
What did the pirate say on his 80th bday
AYE MATEY
A magician was asked what had happened to the lady he used to saw in half in his act …
“Oh, she’s retired,” he said. “Now she lives in Chicago—and Denver.” … (Credit: This comes from the “Random Thoughts” chapter at the end of “The Thomas Sowell Reader” – quite an interesting (and occasionally amusing) book.)
It shouldn’t be surprising our first black president was elected prior to Trump
It's always darkest before Don
Wife: I’m pregnant
Dad: Hi pregnant, i'm Dad Wife: No you're not
I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day.
It's still syncing
When I see lovers’ nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.
I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.
I just had a physical, the doctor said “don’t eat anything fatty”
I said “like bacon and burgers?” He said “no fatty, don’t eat anything!”
What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store?
Edit:OMG thanks for the silver Edit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the gold EDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
I saw a bunch of guys in black leather jackets crowded around under some trees
It seemed very shady.
What is the opposite of adulting?
Just kidding!
Coming soon to a prison near you…
Coming soon to a prison near you…
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it
How do you get your wife to notice you?
Sit on a couch and look comfortable.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line!
Does anyone feel like this as well?
Does anyone feel like this as well?
What’s worse than an unanswered question?
No text found
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's time consuming.
Why is it good to wash your eyes with ketchup?
Because Heinzsight is 20/20
I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread…
/r/Jokes/comments/fxvl3o/i_asked_my_friend_the_baker_what_is_the_key_to/
So I texted my crush and asked her, “Are you an ancient artifact,”
“Because I want to date you.”
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…
and are followed by 'Batman!'
My wife and I are planning a trip to San Francisco to finally fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person.
She asked me, “What are you going to do when you see it?” I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”