No, no, he’s got a point
When I get naked in the bathroom
the shower gets turned on.
If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don't.
The urge to sing the lion sleeps to night is just
A whim away a whim away a whim away
I tried juggling some candy bars but kept dropping them.
I have Butterfingers.
cats π scat π
cats π scat π
Husband and wife accidentally discover a genie
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.' So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?' 'Uh…yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied. 'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.' Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.' 'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said. 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!' 'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?' 'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.' The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?' She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?' You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?' 'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly. 'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
I spotted a bunch of people in a long line and asked with a laugh “is this the punch line?”
One of them responded, "pho queue." The guy lied. There wasn't any soup noodles.
Please be kind to Jussie Smollett guys…
You know he's really beating himself up right now.
When my wife suggested getting a white noise machine for the bedroom, I was initially ok with it.
Then I realized I hate country music.
I Don’t Understand Why People Have Been Hating On The Police.
Roxanne is a really good song.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes
You knock on the door.
A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink …..
so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways. The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people." The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school. On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"
I asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia
She looked up and quietly replied, βtheyβre right behind you.β
Confucious say a man who runs in front of bus gets tired.
A man who runs behind gets exhausted.
What does a robot do after sex
Nuts and bolts
I told my daughter, βMom keeps asking me if Iβm an Alice in Wonderland character and itβs getting really annoying!β She asked, βAre you mad at her?β
βGeez! Donβt you start too!β I screamed.
Why canβt miss piggy count to 100?
Because when she reaches 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
Did you know that having too much sex causes memory loss?
Or at least that what page 137 figure II part B of my middle school science textbook said.
Why are baby cows cheaper than adults?
Because they're calf price
Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
πππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππ ππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππ πππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππ πππππππππππππππππππ πππππππππ
My dad told me βDonβt be quick to find faultsβ
Great man, terrible geologist
Which playing cards are the best dancers?
The king and queen of clubs.
I went to a restaurant and the waiter sat me down and asked if I’d like to see a dessert menu.
I said "No, that's the last thing I want"
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you're prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
If youβre ever choking on an ice cube
https://ift.tt/2LvRzu3
What is the first rule of stealing someones shoes.
Pick on someone your own size.
Children bad for trying to help save enviroment. Wife good for doing nothing.
https://ift.tt/2qu7GS4
What do you call a hen that counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken.
You know what is really odd?
Numbers not divisible by 2
Why do polar bears only live at the north pole?
Because if they also lived at the south pole, they would be bipolar bears.
A roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says…
"Five beers please."
Why cant a penis be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot
Peek aunt humor is always about drinking wine/βIβm lazyβ/βIβm a bitchβ
https://ift.tt/2K7ZrSC