nO nO hE’s GoT a PoInT
I created a graph explaining all my past relationships
It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I keep hearing people say “sweet Jesus”…
…but if you ask me he tastes saviory
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th July
But not Fire. Fire works
I have just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
What do you call an old, Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar carrying a large chunk of concrete. He turns to the bartender and says " Give me a drink. And one for the road."
If you think 2020 puns are bad this year, just wait until next year.
Hindsight will be 2020.
My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia
But so far I’ve made 3 vases and a jug so fuck you!
We don’t need facemasks for corona anymore
we can use coughy filters
I’d give my left bladder to be better in anatomy class.
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What’s the difference between fine wine and fine women?
Fine wine doesn’t try and escape from my cellar.
A man escapes from prison where he’s been for 15 years. He breaks in to a house looking for money, guns, and/or a car, instead he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the husband out of the bed and ties him to a chair. After tying the wife to the bed he gets on top of her and kisses her neck, then goes in to the bathroom. At which time the husband tells his wife: "Honey, this man's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! I saw the way he kissed your neck, he probably hasn't seen a woman in years, if he wants sex give to him, don't resist, don't complain, just go with it no matter how sick It makes you. He's probably dangerous, if he gets mad he will most likely kill us. Honey, I love you, be strong. To which the wife responds: "Oooh, honey, no? He wasn't kissing my neck he was whispering in my ear. He said you looked very cute and asked if we had any vasoline. I told him yeah in the restroom. Give him what he wants, honey be strong i love you too."
There was an explosion at a French cheese factory
De brie everywhere.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws
2 cowboys in a field
One turns to the other and says “you take all those cows over there and round them up into one big group” The other says “what?” The first cowboy says “you herd”
Where are all these great dad jokes stored?
The dadabase
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage…
when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
Why did God create Adam before Eve?
He didn’t want any advice on how to do it
What can the coronavirus do that the us government can’t?
Stop school shootings
how did luke know what darth vader got him for christmas?
he felt his presence
“Several years ago, you could smoke in bars”
"Dad, what is a bar?" … "Dad, are you crying?"
Today I asked a girl at the gym what her new year’s resolution was
She said: To stop seeing the same joke over and over in r/jokes. Oh, and also fuck you.
What one food reduces a woman’s sex drive by 90%?
Wedding cake.
If my son turned out to be transgender, he ain’t no son of mine
She’d be my daughter🥰
A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast.
“Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?” He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?” Again he declines. “No, thanks. It’s this Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes…?” Once more, he declines. “Again, thanks, but it’s this Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” “Well, then”, she says, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking STARVING!”
Why can’t the USA tell knock knock jokes?
Because freedom rings
What do young male Spanish cows call each other?
Moo-chachos.
What do you call a caring prostitute?
Someone who gives a fuck
My son asked me why I was whispering all quiet.
I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
My mute grandfather always said:
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Where do Squirrels go during Hurricanes?
It depends on which direction the wind is blowing.
My Dad says I hammer like lightning!
I never strike in the same place twice.
A lady comes home from her doctor’s
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
An Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Japanese guy all apply for a job at an office.
The manager hires all three and tells the Italian, "Ok, you take care of the inventory". Tells the Polish guy, "You take care of accounting" and tells the Japanese guy, "You take care of supplies." The manager comes back after an hour and sees the Italian guy and the Polish guy working, but he can't find the Japanese guy anywhere. So all of them start looking for him. After hours of searching, they still can't find him so they give up and turn to go home for the evening when suddenly, the Japanese guy jumps out of nowhere and screams "SUPPLIES!!!!"
..ever since an attempted mugging last year i have carried a knife.
Since then my muggings have been way more successful.
Why was F jealous of C?
Because it was hotter
What’s the definition of a reverse exorcism?
It's when you ask the Devil to get the priest out of your little boy
What happened when two silkworms challenged each other to a race?
It ended in a tie! 👔
(sigh)
My dad and his sibling were talking and they just kept going on about how there generation is more hardworking and we’re all lazy 🤦♀️. I wanted to say ok boomer so badly.
A cat walks into a veterinarian’s office.
The vet says, “What seems to be the problem?” The cat says, “Meow.” The vet says, “Okay, where?”
Does anyone want to be in a platonic relationship?
I’m asking for a friend.