nO nO hE’s GoT a PoInT
4 Bedroom, “2” bathrooms – Perfect New Home for a Systems Admin
I am not poking fun at anyone for being lower income, you can tell by the picture it’s a nice home. But in my search for a home I found this house and their master “bathroom” really sold me.https://imgur.com/j1345OnPlease post all potty IT jokes
My friends keep telling me I’m on the autism spectrum…
…I can never tell if they’re joking or not.
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell people he was a vegan.
A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.
He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!" St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?" God says, "Yep." Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle surfaces. The ball bounces off the turtle's shell and gets another hundred yards. Just as its about to stop rolling, a squirrel runs over and grabs the ball before being immediately snatched by a gorgeous red tail hawk. The hawk flies him off and just over the green the squirrel drops the ball. The ball hits the green, rolls and falls in the hole. Most amazing par five hole-in-one in history. St. Peter, astonished says, "You call that punishment?" God replies, "Yep. There was nobody around to see it."
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
My wife sent me a text message only reading “EARTH”
It meant the world to me
In case you were wondering, chocolate identifies as female.
Preferred pronouns are Her/she
I could never date a single mum.
Because then they wouldn't be single.
you guys know how i like to tell my dad jokes?
well i cant because he's not here
Dear Microsoft:
If you had called your search engine Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. What would you rather say? "I just Googled Rihanna"or "I just Banged Rihanna."
I wondered where my boomerang was after i threw it
and then it hit me
My teacher told me I would never be any good at Poetry because of my dyslexia….
But so far I've made 3 vases and a jug.
I’ll never forget my dads last words before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said
“Son”… “how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
My girlfriend said, “I want a ring.”
I said, "Take your phone off silent." That's when the fight started.
Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly, and poor.
Who was the first plagiarist?
Moses. He could control sea.
Why can’t trees time-travel?
Because travelling through time petrifies them!
Judge : I order you to pay £10,000
MARIO : why Judge : it’s a fine MARIO : (sadly) no itsa not
The average person has sex 89 times a year.
This is going to be one hell of a week.
The NFL has this obscure rule where players aren’t allowed to own pet ducks.
It’s considered to be a personal fowl.
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back?
What’s the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like The Flintstones but those in Abu Dhabi do.
KID: “Dad, make me a sandwich!”
DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”
Yo mama so fat
We are all concerned for her health, Kevin.
I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.
“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?” “Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.” “Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”
I was really bored, so I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
I attended a self-defence course.
At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me…£380." "I refuse to pay," I told him. "You have to," he insisted. "Well then, you'll have to fight me for it." So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten. He said, "£380. Cough it up." "No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."
What’s large, grey, and doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant.
ISO Halloween Jokes
Thank You.
I married my wife for her looks,
but not the ones she’s been giving me lately.