No no, he’s got a point
My girlfriend really likes to cosplay as gardening tools.
Often, she's a hoe.
Joker to Batman: “Hey Batman, wanna hear a joke?”
"Yeah sure." Joker: "Ok, parental love". Batman: "I don't get it.." "exactly."
What do you say when you see a bad post on this subreddit?
What the Fork is this Bullshirt?
People who talk to their dogs are just plain stupid…
Saw a couple today talking to their husky. Intelligent dog, don't get me wrong, but do they seriously think he understands everything he is told? I came home and told my cat all about it, we laughed our asses off!
A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
why was the clock afraid it would get sick?
because its hands were constantly touching itsĀ face
*slaps knee*
https://ift.tt/2OxfOLC
My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn’t heard before.
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other. Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?" Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands." Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
I went to an auction today where they were selling a cheese grater once owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden.
It was the grater of two evils.
A Transgender goes to a dominatrix
The dominatrix never had a transgender client before, but she was a professional, over 5 years in the field, so she decided to agree to take the job. On the first day, she asked: "How should I refer to you, what pronoun do you go by?" Trans person: "Them". And as time goes by they keep talking and getting to know each other, they even tell jokes. After a couple sessions the trans person says "Hey can you tell me that joke you told yesterday again? It was hilarious!", the dom says sure and tells the joke again, but unsure what's funny about hearing the same joke twice. They keep meeting up, having a laugh, all the while engaging in dom sex. After a few weeks of this, the dominatrix is at a coffee shop with her friend when the trans client shows up and says hi. Her friend, surprised, asks "How do you know him?" "They're a client" the dom replied, "but they have a weird fetish" "What is it?" asked the friend, leaning in to hear some gossip "This sub loves when you tell them the same jokes every day!" Edit: consistency with pronouns
I walked into a homeware store.
Came out with a jacket made of bricks and some shoes made of marble.
Did you hear about the viking Rudolph the Red?
He looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain. His wife questioned, "What makes you say that?" He replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
What’s the worlds saddest pizza?
"Pepperlonely"
When I was getting my prostate exam, I asked the doctor where I should put my pants.
"Over there, next to mine" wasn't the answer I was expecting.
I’ve come to the realization that suicide would solve all my problems…
… if I could just get the right people to try it.
Itās easy until you know there are rules, hard when youāre bad at it, then easy again once you get good at it
Itās easy until you know there are rules, hard when youāre bad at it, then easy again once you get good at it
“But they relate to my struggles!” screamed the temporarily embarrassed millionaire
https://ift.tt/2QFbJVP
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
We’ll we’ll we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect?
After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.
After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about. "Why have you not multiplied?" he asked. To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders." Noah being a quick thinker went off into the woods to fell some trees, and fastened them together into a platform. He then placed the snakes on the platform and lo and behold the snakes immediately laid a clutch of eggs Because you see, even adders can multiply on a log table
I had to get a loan to pay for an exorcism.
They said if I didnāt pay it back on time Iād get repossessed.
I saw a program billed as ” LeeAnn Rimes with Cher.
Then I thought to myself no, it doesn't.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities
My son took some exams to become a pirate
He kept getting high C's
Why don’t Africans eat at the restaurant?
Because they always Ghana order Togo.
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
…. Nobody knows.
“knock knock”
Who's there? "Dishes" Dishes who? "Dishes Sean Connery"
ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar…
Blunt force trauma
When 3 people have sex, it’s a threesome. When 2 people have sex, it’s a twosome.
Now I understand why they call you handsome
Therapist: your wife says you never buy her flowers.
Husband: to be honest, I didnāt know she sold flowers.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
My dad died recently.
He was in an accident and lost a lot of blood but nobody knew his blood-type. Iāll never forget his inspirational last words, āBe positiveā.
My wife thinks I donāt respect her privacy enough…
At least, thatās what it says in her diary…
What do you call a group of introverts?
A paradox.
