She’s probably just pulling your leg.
The bartender says “I’ll have to see some id”.
Nothing they're fine
You can’t C in the dark
…like doctors or directors. While females tend to settle with lesser paying ones like female doctors or female directors.
Had to knock some cents into it
Grandma is taking it particularly hard.
Damn things bounce all over the place
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but people in Abu-Dhabi-do! -Dad
I don’t know wtf I was doing fucking a guy but I obviously wasn’t thinking straight
But you know what they say, old habits pulp fiction.
I told him pilot jobs aren't really taking off at the moment.
But I would feel guilty if anyone got it.
Take off the ring and your house is gone
You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"
They come across a flock of geese so the cowboy pulls out his two guns and empties them in the direction of the geese. "Fuck, I missed!" "Do not use that word, child, for God will smythe thy" They walk on and come across yet another flock of geese. Same thing. "Fuck, I missed" "Do not use that word, child, for God will smythe thy" Same thing happens a third time. Suddenly the Heavens open up and a lightning bolt strikes the priest down. An omnipresent voice, trembling with conviction says: "Fuck, I missed"
The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18
If I never have to deal with another “custom CMS” ever again, it’ll be too soon… The latest one that’s been inflicted upon me, inspired me to make this meme:https://ift.tt/3fAGfuV
Because it felt butter in the morning.
Geralt of Trivia
So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over. About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with a torn ear, a jagged pink scar running down its side, and what appears to be a chunk of its lip missing. The guy looks nervously at the dog. "So, what's the plan?" he says, shaking the trapper's hand. "Pretty simple, actually," the trapper says as he unloads a ladder. "I climb up onto the roof, knock the bear to the ground. Then Trigger here grabs the bear by the balls and drags it to the cage. The bear will go in to get away from the dog, the cage door will snap shut, and we're done." The guy looks dubiously from the dog to the bear to the cage. The trapper then pulls a shotgun out of a holster in the back of the truck and hands it to the guy. "Wait, what's the shotgun for?" the guy asks. "Simple. When I climb the roof, if the bear knocks me off, shoot the fucking dog."
The guys that think they're on a double date
So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you." The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me." The nun replies, "Ok well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though, firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun then says, "Ok then, pull into the next alley." The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry. The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?" The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you, I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish." The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
Bandersnatch. I'm sorry.
This isn't where they be long.
Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."
Boil the hell out of it.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean? Bob. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of the door? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a volcano? Anakin Skywalker
He goes to the urinal as another man enters and starts using the urinal next to him. The other man looks over at him and asks, "Are you a Jew?" "Why yes, I am," he replied. "Are you circumcised?" The second man asked. A bit put off, the first man answered warily. "A strange question… but yes.. I am circumcised…" "Did you grow up in New York?" The second man asked. "Well, yes! I did. How did you know?" "Did you study under Rabbi Korinski?" "I did! How do you know so much about me?" "He cuts at an angle and you're pissing on my shoe."
So he isn’t spotted
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta
There would be a mass confusion.
They are willing to pay for the wall now.
The mother smiles a replies: "Once upon a time, me and your daddy had a wonderful time so we decided to plant a little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took very good care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, the seed turned into a beautiful and healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it and then we got so high that we fucked without a condom."
At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them. "Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "…I'm sorry" The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"
No,actually it is adopted. My wife and I were unable to conceive a dog naturally.
They were cooked in Greece.
The pupils. They dilate.