nO oNE:
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
Why did my dad go to prison?
Beats me.
After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.
Turns out her sister had it all along…
The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
I dared a guy to fill up his piggy bank with one penny every year for one hundred years.
He said he wouldnât do it. Cause it would take a cent-ury.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
Itâs true, I saw it with my own eyes.
What happened when two silkworms challenged each other to a race?
It ended in a tie! đ
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Donât get me wrong, I empathize with her. Iâve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
My son turned 27, so he’s no longer covered by my health insurance.
In other words, his manufacturer's warranty is up.
The Dow Jones drops more than 2000 points today. How long before Trump blames Obama?
https://ift.tt/2IAyOVb
Three guys stranded on a desert island…
They find a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says I'll grant each of you one wish. First guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Second guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Third guy: It's kinda lonely… I wish those guys were back. POOF! The other two re-appear! Edit: Spelling
When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when he was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!
Having a mobile makes it really easy to cheat on my wife.
My son stands behind her and texts me what cards sheâs got in her hand.
A one-man police department was disbanded. The chief left the town meeting in his underwear
https://ift.tt/2SJYMM4
My buddy said ‘There’s only one thing about Halloween that scares me.’
I asked, 'Which is?' 'Exactly', he replied.
Whatâs the difference between a religion and a cult?
In a cult, there is someone on top that knows itâs all nonsense. In a religion that person is dead.
A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, âYou better not be growing weed with those lamps!â
âYouâre gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!â
A man was walking his dog through a graveyard when he saw a man kneeling behind a headstone.
âMorningâ the walker shouted. âNo, just having a shitâ the man replied.
Whatâs the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi
The people of Dubai donât like the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi Do.
What has two butts and kills people
An assassin
Why don’t some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't workout.
They say make up sex is the best
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up
Apparently origami enthusiasts are bad at poker…
they're always folding. I'll see myself out. lol
They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket.
They lied, everyone else has clothes on.
The problem with kleptomaniacs…
…is that they always take things literally…
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey?
Only one, but you really have to squeeze them in…
Scientists removed the right half of a man’s noggin…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "Two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "One, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's noggin, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "Look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one- believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President that God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
Many years ago, all the female Warlocks perished in the desert.
The individual male Warlocks, try as they might, could not master the art of bringing back their counterparts and all seemed lost. Then, two young Warlocks found that, by working together – one recreating the body while the other recreated the soul – they could bring them back to life from the very sand they died in. It's crazy but they could finish each other's Sand Witches.
I thought my TV broke…
I was watching a documentary about how polar bearsâ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. Itâs okay though, it was just on paws.
What’s the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer ?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize
I just found out that âAaarghhâ is not a real word.
I canât express how angry I am.
Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training…
When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him. The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang. Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." The next week, they start bayonet training. Again Sam is at the end of the line and again they run out just before they get to him. The Sergeant tells him to just pretend he has a bayonet at the end of his pretend rifle. So Sam goes running through the mock battle with his stick yelling, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang. Stabidy, stab, stab,stab." Well the unit finished basic training and gets called up to go into real battle. Our hapless hero finds himself eventually on a landing craft, hitting the beach. Unfortunately, they have never given him a real rifle and he still has his stick. He is wondering what in the heck he is going to do. As the unit fights his way inland, Sam mindlessly points his stick at an enemy soldier standing on a hill and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." To his amazement, the enemy soldier falls over dead! So he aims his stick at another and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." And that enemy falls over dead! Now our hero is running madly along, pointing his stick at any enemy soldier he sees, yelling "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." Enemy soldiers are dropping like flies! An enemy jumps out from a bush beside him. Sam points his stick and yells, "Stabidy, stab, stab, stab." The other guy drops and writhes in pain. All of a sudden an enemy soldier comes walking slowly along a path. Sam carefully aims his stick at the soldier and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." But the enemy soldier just keeps coming. Sam tries again, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang!" Nothing. As the enemy soldier gets closer, Sam cries out, "Stabidy, stab, stab, stab." But the enemy soldier runs right over him, crushing him. As Sam lies dying, he hears the enemy soldier muttering, "Tankidy, tank, tank, tank."