No one
Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?
As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
I was reading a book about Stockholm Syndrome the other day.
It was really bad to begin with, but by the end I quite liked it.
My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What is marriage really like?
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner… unannounced at 7:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in. Wife: My hair and makeup aren’t done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pyjamas and and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home? Husband: Because he is thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo!
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
My dad always told me I can’t get a wife overnight.
He was right. International shipping takes a few days.
Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that
I tried to trade a deer for fireworks
I want the best bang for my buck
If anyone on Facebook posts “He has risen”
Remind them to use the [spoiler] tag. Some of us haven’t read the book.
Hello Earthlings from Vortex.
Hello Earthlings from Vortex.
Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and Matthew McConaughey have decided to make a movie together!
Ben Affleck says: "I'll produce it!" Matt Damon says: "I'll direct it!" Matthew McConaughey says: "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write!"
My first Dad joke after becoming a father
Me, to my son, immediately after being born: Congratulations! You're officially the youngest person in the world! Him: crying Me: Sorry kid, your 4 seconds of fame are over.
I lost my watch at a party once.
An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
Son: “Where are my sunglasses?”
Dad: "I don't know…where are my dad glasses?"
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
I started carrying a knife on me after an attempted mugging three years ago.
since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.
I shaved a hedgehog once
It was pointless
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
I’m starting a charity about teaching maths to midgets…
I'm calling it "making the little things count"
Did you know that having too much sex causes memory loss?
Or at least that what page 137 figure II part B of my middle school science textbook said.
Warning this post is a little nsfw.
nsfw Sorry if I offended any of you. If you need some eyebleach I have a ton.