No one ever:
When I get into the shower naked
The shower gets turned on.
Finland have just closed their borders….
Which means no one can cross the finish line.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter… I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, “I really need a new boat.”
Time zones are very confusing. Like it’s may 2 in australia, may 1 in europe
and 1954 in america Edit: *june not may
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married.
I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith
My 8 year old came home from school and told me she had a test that day.
Me: Oh yeah, what was it on? Her: Paper. I was so proud.
I was so late to the cannibal banquet
They just gave me a cold shoulder
Yes
https://ift.tt/2Hh05xn
I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 Seconds’ DVD.
It was here a minute ago.
I asked my North Korean friend, “what’s it like to live in North Korea?”
He responded, “can’t complain.”
Why are hamsters like cigarettes?
They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
My brother works for my band, helping me fix and replace parts of my drums.
He re-cymbals me, too.
A man was hospitalised with 6 plastic horses up his ass
The doctor described his condition as stable
I proposed to my ex-wife
But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
What do you call a child with a caffeine addiction?
A tea toddler
What do you say to comfort a friend struggling with grammar?
There, they’re, their.
I ate a clock today.
It was very time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.
I used to tell dad jokes.
He's dead now though.
NSFW What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One is a Goodyear, one is a great year.
Yo momma’s so lonely
she kept you
My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life,
and I don’t try to run mine.
A dung beetle walks into a bar…
Is this stool taken?
What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken
People named Victor must be very successful historians.
Because history is always written by the Victor.
How many “friendzoned” nice guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it for hours and get pissed when it won't screw.
3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.
After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info. Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info. Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell. The 2 other spies asked him “How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy!” The Italian replied: “I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.
I downloaded all the music to the movie Titanic.
It's syncing now.
Dumbest kid in the world…
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
I love telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
A few days ago, I told a lady on the bus she had semen on the back of her shirt.
She told me, "Probably just some yogurt." Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt.
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.” “Do you think it will work?” she asks the doctor. “It’s worth a try,” he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.” “What?” says the priest. “What happened?” “You gave birth to a child.” “But that’s impossible!” “I just did the operation,” insists the doctor. “It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.” About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.” The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?” The priest replies, “I’m your mother. The archbishop is your father.”
Grandpa snoops in the medicine cabinet and
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the bathroom medicine cabinet, he asked his son about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow." Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"