No one liked my skeleton costume and I was hurt
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian…..
…. an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub… The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.
A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.
Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.
Use a sea saw.
The rotation of the earth
Unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a stranger. He asked, “Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I’m not a serial killer?”.
I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.
8:00: 1 8:10: 0 9:23: 1 9:28: 0 0:13: 1 0:20 0 1:47: 1 1:55: 0
…until it is full groan.
That’s how I roll.
That's a wrap
Hey Bob, do you shower after sex? Well, of course I do. Great, could you please get laid more often?
The decision was a piece of cake.
He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe
That’s just how I roll.
You could say he was bread for the job.
After half a minute they all went home.
It came up with a couple thousand matches.
So I asked him how much it costs and whether or not it works.
Pretty nuts, if you ask me.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
My toaster had pop-up blocker on.
We'd have IX/XI instead.
He wasn't willing to let Qui-Gons be bygones.
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
It was a miner injury.
Later in my life, I learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.
But now I can look back and laugh.
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti
My son got me good. I build websites for a living. He told me he didn’t like the one I was working on, and I should have let a spider do it.
You know. “Cause spiders are naturally good web designers.”
…when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him. A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!". The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him. When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor asks him:"Im confused, why did you shout Mickey Mouse?" "I freaked out" he answers."I meant to shout DONALD DUCK!"
The deep web
I told him, 'that makes two of us'.