No one likes these people
My friend asked if i had heard of Pavlov
But it didnt ring a bell
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Diabetes. What? Did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day? I waited an entire year to say this
My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. “You fucking prick, that’s so inappropriate!” she screamed. “Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don’t angry at you about that!” I shouted back.
I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply. She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs…
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
My cousin’s allergic to shellfish, and I giggled as I told him I put clams in his soup.
You should've seen his reaction…
I got so drunk last night
I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest…
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Viagra shipment stolen.
Cop looking for a bunch of hardened criminals.
[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.
A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar. I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well…until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones…and picked the worst possible one to start with. Here's the joke I told: "What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw your washing (laundry if you're American) in." One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago. Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?" "No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."
I complained to my wife about our sexless marriage
Zero fucks were given.
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there.
New Teslas don’t come with a new car smell
They come with an Elon Musk.
Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital when the ultrasound guy isn’t there?
The hip replacement guy
A woman was in some distress one day when she locked herself out of her car.
An army man was walking by in the car park so she waved him over and said "excuse me can you help me, I've locked myself out". "Sure" he says. So he takes off his pants and rubs them against the door and as if by magic the door unlocked. "Wow" said the woman, "how did you do that?" He replies "These are my khakis".
A waiter approaches his manager
And tells him that a customer just complained about the oven baked flatbread. His manager told him not to worry about it. The waiter went back to work but came back to his manager a few minutes later saying another customer was complaining about the oven baked flatbread. The manager said that it wasn’t important and that he should go back to work. The waiter again returned to work but a few minutes later returned saying that yet another customer was dissatisfied with the oven baked flat bread. The manager told him to forget it. The waiter asked why he wouldn’t talk to him about it. The manager said “Don’t worry, it’s a naan-issue!”
What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?
A fish stick! My 4 year olds first joke.
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
Having gay parents must be horrible
You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"
The average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old
I'm finally above average for something
I keep asking what LGBTQ stands for
And I’m not getting any straight answers.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s really heavy and one’s a little lighter.
Scientists pinpoint the initial cross-species transmission episode back to 1992
https://ift.tt/3aJJm0B
What do you get when you inject a goat with human DNA?
A ban from the petting zoo.
Post Malone has canceled his tour.
Does this now make him Postpone Malone?
I could really see myself making mirrors.
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