“No one under FBI investigation should be able to run for president!” – Trump, 2016
An unsolicited shudder, courtesy of my mother just now on her lunch break.
Ha ha penis
AmERIcA WiLL NeVeR eLecT a DemOCratIC SoCiALisT
I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armor.
Actually it's probably more of a knight mare.
Ain’t that the truth😂
My buddy just told me he needs major surgery: he’s having half his intestine removed.
(excuse my grammar that should be a semi-colon)
I am sick and tired of millenials and their entitled attitude.
Always walking around like they rent the place.
Life on Stack Overflow
A locksmith had to testify in court recently
He was the key witness
Finally. An end to the debate
Woman prostitute, snowman good, erectyle disfunction bad
They used to be so OP!
Why couldn’t the blind man see his friends?
Because he was married
It really hits home to a C developer
Why did the scarecrow get an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2015 we ate over 74 million bananas and only 6 monkeys.
5 second meme I made in orgo
I renamed my IPod to Titanic.
What’s Irish and stays out all night?
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
Epitome of this sub
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla comes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
Whoever invented auto-correct,
can go to hello. Edit: Wow thanks for the silver!
Narnia was a really progressive film
Most of the main characters came out of the closet
Are You Sure About This, Rudy?!
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
Oh, ha, husband bad this time 😎
Mom is never wrong
State of America’s education
Two balloons in the desert.
One says: "look out for that cactus!" The other replies: "what cactusssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?"
Boomers love their tools
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it’s going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Impeccable timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!" Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."
It’s all good now :)
Kung Fu student asks his teacher: “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.”
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
Well of course Dad jokes! Dad is hilarious!
It never feels right
My roommate tried to keep two crows in our apartment as pets.
The cops arrested him for attempted murder.
Just a reminder
There are 2 sides to every story, I mean incident.
After getting all of the Popes luggage loaded into the limo…
…the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger." Chief: "Governor?" Cop: "Bigger." "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!" Chief: "What makes you think it's God?" Cop: "He's got the fucking Pope as a chauffeur!!"
Is this true, friends?
When you fix your broken code without ever figuring out what the problem was
Shared on Facebook unironically by my uncle
“Timmy, what’s 119+1?” Asked the teacher.
"5!" Yelled Timmy. "Yes Timmy, that is correct."
Programming be like
What does a mechanic do after a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
Checks and Balances
Hold my juicebox while I impress her.
No need to rub it in, okay? :(
My friend said she didn’t understand how cloning worked
"That makes two of us"
Today I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.
Petty man in chief
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer
than the men who mention it.
What Apple interviews must be like for Software Engineers post iOS 14 (Virtual Onsite Zoom)
Maybe a bit too much?
When the backend server crashes
So thats how intern works
Asking relevant questions in class leads to 30 minute anecdotes about his personal life
Talk about a snowflake.
My neighboor rang my doorbell at 5 am..
Luckily I was already up, playing drums.
tell me please
“Sir, please, I didn’t mess it up at all! That’s what he said!”
Oh Java, never change
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”. ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’ ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’ Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a sweet shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands in your knickers Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’ He slips both of his hands into her panties and begins to feel around very slowly and gently caresses her nicely trimmed muff. He pushes her lips apart and gently slides his fingers in and out of her now moist pussy. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’ He completes one last finger of her clitorus, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’ ‘I was behind you in the queue at McDonalds’.
What do you call it when it’s raining turkeys?
Did you know diarrhea Is hereditary?
It runs in our jeans
Whenever someone asks me if I know how to use a(n) [INSERT MICROSOFT OFFICE PRODUCT]…
… I tell them, "Why yes, I Excel at it" and when they say, "Well, can you help me do this?" Me: "Word."
What do you call a cardigan that you don’t wear anymore?
Its a… its a…
Those are the decorative towels!
The only correct way to increment
My blind friend made me a nice greeting card in Braille.
It was touching.
Someone threw cheese at me…
Don’t forget about Pete……..