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Now I see it everywhere.
"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
The mime next door went nuts.
If you pull the ring, your house is gone.
Where you put the cucumber
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I avoid meet
When a small four seaters plane crashed into a cemetary. Irish search and research workers have discovered 965 bodies so far, but they expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. Yes, my kid just told me that and then started giggling non-stop.
I guess it won't make any difference.
Because there’s more birds on that side.
Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck. Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
…I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $299,999.75 though.
He drank coffee before it was cool
It has a nice ring to it.
It was a millennial falcon.
….What gift do you want? . . . . . . Husband: A British girl would be nice. Wife: Okay. Wife completes her trip and returns home. Husband: So did you bring me a British girl? Wife: Yeah. Husband: Where is she? Wife: It takes nine months to unpack the gift.
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while.
He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.
And how did he get so many countries named after him?
I could use a light snack.
I thought to myself "Now, that's a little condescending".
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You get another old lady to say “Bingo.”
"In these troubled times, the steaks have never been higher."
He was a little chili.
You throw him into the mainstream.
Mark the post with an NSFW tag
In fact, I think I'm gonna rub one out
but turn out, it was nothing more than just my imagine asian.
A hunter is out in the country one day and waiting for ducks to fly by. After a while he sees a duck, points his gun and shoots it. The duck falls to the ground onto some farmland nearby. The hunter walks over the the farm and sees a farmer holding the dead duck. "Hey that's my duck!" says the hunter. The farmer replies, "Well, it fell onto my land, so it's my duck." "Well, I shot it, so it's my duck" says the hunter. The farmer says "How about we settle this country style?" "What's country style?" asks the hunter. "Well, first I kick you in the nuts, then you kick me in the nuts. And we keep on kicking each other in the nuts until one of us can't take it no more. Winner gets the duck." The hunter thinks about it for a bit and decides to go for it. So the farmer hauls his leg back and kicks the hunter square in the nuts. The hunter's eye bug out and he falls to the ground writhing in pain and clutching his swelling ballsack. After 10 minutes or so the hunter finally recovers and stands up. "Okay, it's my turn now" says the hunter. And the farmer says, "Nah, keep the duck."
When it's told by a Catholic Priest. Then it's a Father joke.
They're both thinking "Oh shit, my mom is gonna kill me."
They come across a flock of geese so the cowboy pulls out his two guns and empties them in the direction of the geese. "Fuck, I missed!" "Do not use that word, child, for God will smythe thy" They walk on and come across yet another flock of geese. Same thing. "Fuck, I missed" "Do not use that word, child, for God will smythe thy" Same thing happens a third time. Suddenly the Heavens open up and a lightning bolt strikes the priest down. An omnipresent voice, trembling with conviction says: "Fuck, I missed"
A grandpa joke