No One Will Ever Know
How do you avoid clickbait?
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A few days ago I learnt what confirmation bias meant.
Now I see it everywhere.
I still remember what my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket…
"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
Last night I played a blank cassette tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.
What does a wife and a handgrenade have in common?
If you pull the ring, your house is gone.
What’s the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber
A millennial buying a home
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I’m a social vegan
I avoid meet
Breaking news: Ireland worse air disaster occurred last night..
When a small four seaters plane crashed into a cemetary. Irish search and research workers have discovered 965 bodies so far, but they expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. Yes, my kid just told me that and then started giggling non-stop.
The minus button is missing from my calculator.
I guess it won't make any difference.
Do you know why one side is longer when birds are flying in a V formation?
Because there’s more birds on that side.
What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck. Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!
My girlfriend just accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
What’s red and smells?
Rudolph's nose.
If I won $300,000, I’d give a quarter of it to charity.
…I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $299,999.75 though.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank coffee before it was cool
Sauron is a great name.
It has a nice ring to it.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
Wife: Honey, I’m going on a business trip to London.
….What gift do you want? . . . . . . Husband: A British girl would be nice. Wife: Okay. Wife completes her trip and returns home. Husband: So did you bring me a British girl? Wife: Yeah. Husband: Where is she? Wife: It takes nine months to unpack the gift.
What is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while.
RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker
He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.
Who is Stan?
And how did he get so many countries named after him?
What keeps the ocean from leaking out?
The seals.
What did one hungry plant say to the other plant?
I could use a light snack.
Today I saw dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall.
I thought to myself "Now, that's a little condescending".
Is it just me or are circles pointless
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How do you get an old lady to say the f word?
You get another old lady to say “Bingo.”
Cattle Farmers respond to Federal Agents burning marijuana fields next door.
"In these troubled times, the steaks have never been higher."
Why was the baby jalapeno shivering?
He was a little chili.
How do you drown a hipster?
You throw him into the mainstream.
How can you get the attention of a pervert?
Mark the post with an NSFW tag
I get aroused when I erase pencil drawings
In fact, I think I'm gonna rub one out
When I was a kid, I thought I had a Chinese friend
but turn out, it was nothing more than just my imagine asian.
The Duck Hunter
A hunter is out in the country one day and waiting for ducks to fly by. After a while he sees a duck, points his gun and shoots it. The duck falls to the ground onto some farmland nearby. The hunter walks over the the farm and sees a farmer holding the dead duck. "Hey that's my duck!" says the hunter. The farmer replies, "Well, it fell onto my land, so it's my duck." "Well, I shot it, so it's my duck" says the hunter. The farmer says "How about we settle this country style?" "What's country style?" asks the hunter. "Well, first I kick you in the nuts, then you kick me in the nuts. And we keep on kicking each other in the nuts until one of us can't take it no more. Winner gets the duck." The hunter thinks about it for a bit and decides to go for it. So the farmer hauls his leg back and kicks the hunter square in the nuts. The hunter's eye bug out and he falls to the ground writhing in pain and clutching his swelling ballsack. After 10 minutes or so the hunter finally recovers and stands up. "Okay, it's my turn now" says the hunter. And the farmer says, "Nah, keep the duck."
When is a Dad joke not a Dad joke.
When it's told by a Catholic Priest. Then it's a Father joke.
What did they find under Michael Jackson’s pillow?
Billy's Jeans
What does a pregnant teenage girl and her baby have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh shit, my mom is gonna kill me."
A Priest and a Cowboy are walking in the desert
They come across a flock of geese so the cowboy pulls out his two guns and empties them in the direction of the geese. "Fuck, I missed!" "Do not use that word, child, for God will smythe thy" They walk on and come across yet another flock of geese. Same thing. "Fuck, I missed" "Do not use that word, child, for God will smythe thy" Same thing happens a third time. Suddenly the Heavens open up and a lightning bolt strikes the priest down. An omnipresent voice, trembling with conviction says: "Fuck, I missed"
What do you call a dad joke when it gets old?
A grandpa joke
