My girlfriend is very untidy and never helps clean our place. I finally snapped and told her she needed to do her share. She smiled and said…
“If I could turn back time!!! If I could find a way!!!!"
Honestly women shouldn’t have children after 35
That'd be way too many
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.
Why is “yacht” spelled that way instead of like “yot?”
Because why nacht.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”
Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that.
I am suspicious that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
I took the shell off of my pet snail to see if it would move faster
But it just ended up being more sluggish.
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.
What does a cardiologist like for dinner?
Doesn’t matter, as long as it’s hearty.
I wa robbed by six dwarves today.
Not Happy.
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, " Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
Smoking will kill you. And Bacon will kill you. But…
Smoking Bacon will Cure it.
My idiot neighbor knocked on my door at 3AM… who does that??
Luckily I happened to be up practicing my trumpet
Asked me girlfriend if I was the only one she’d ever been with
She replied “yes, the rest were nines and tens”
Started a new job where I test cat flaps with my toes.
I'm only doing it to get my foot in the door.
A Frenchman was showing of his yachts to a tourist
Frenchman: "This one is called Un, this one Deux, this one Trois, Quatre, Six, Se–" Tourist: "Hold on, why is there no number 5?" Frenchman: "It Cinq"
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire….
The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. In the Bahamas, it is $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
You know why they named it the “bell”
Because it has a nice ring to it
I just adopted a dog from a blacksmith.
As soon as we got him home, he made a bolt for the door