No please mom not the office
6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
“Some asshole has my pen.”
I only lasted a month at the calender factory.
They fired me after taking a day off
Apparently babies start walking at around 1.
Well, it's 2:30 now and she hasn't walked at all
What do you call a line of blonde people?
A barbie queue
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after you get a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
What do boobs and the sun have in common?
You can look at them longer if you're wearing sunglasses
What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s really time consuming.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator
I’ve just been diagnosed as color blind
It really came out of the purple
I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits,
and I asked if they were gay. They arrested me.
Stalin asked Hitler if he wants to hear a joke.
Hitler says "Yes." Stalin then says "Moscow." Hitler replies with "I don't get it?" Stalin laughs and says "And you never will."
I’ve broken up with my gym.
Our relationship wasn't just "working out"
Apple is releasing what they call the iKnife
It's cutting edge technology.
I don’t always tell dad jokes
But when I do he laughs
The inventor of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral…
Heard they are making a movie about Coronavirus
Its going to be directed by Quentin Quarantino.
A police officer stopped a car for speeding
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ‘I clocked you at 120 km/h sir.’ The driver says, ‘Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’ Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, ‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’ As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’ The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’ As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit. The man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘Fk it woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’ The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’ The driver says, ‘Yeah well, you see officer, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’ The wife says, ‘Now dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’ And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU shut the fk up? The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma’am?’ The Wife replies, ‘Only when he’s drunk.’
What do you get if you cross Islam with Capitalism?
No more jokes about the profit.
The waitress came over and saw my leftovers and asked, “do ya wanna box for that?”
I responded with, "no, but we can arm wrestle any day."
I hate having body confidence issues…
I've had it up to ear with him.
I almost got raped in jail
My family takes monopoly too seriously
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you, I have contacts
I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself
And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"
Why do teenagers love meat so much?
Because meat is Protein…I…I should go
My wife just called me.
She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous." I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
An Irishman goes to the doctor’s surgery …
and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse." So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down." After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubricant and starts to examine him. He can quickly feel something not quite right, and after a bit of fiddling he manages to extract a £20 note from the Irishman's bottom. "Did you know you had a £20 note stuck up there?" He asks the man. "No doc, I did not, to be sure. I do feel a little bit better, like, but still not quite right. Will you have another look for me?" So the doctor gets back to work and sure enough he finds another £20 note, and then another. After about half an hour he finally cannot feel any more banknotes. He sits down to count the money as the man puts his clothes back on. "So, how did you manage to get £1980 in used £20 notes into your bum?" "I don't rightly know doc, but I knew I wasn't feeling too grand."
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
this
No text found
I signed up for my company’s 401k but I have one concern
I’m not sure I can run that far
My wife threatened to kick me out of the house if I did not stop acting like a Flamingo.
That was when I put my foot down!
A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question
"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?" The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond. She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the class what you think freedom is dear" The little boy comes up to the front of the class and the teacher hands him a big thick dictionary of english. "Go on dear, find us the definition of freedom" The boy arrives at the section for F and finds the definition. "Freedom means doing whatever you want whenever you feel like it with total disregard for others no matter the consequences it has for the people around you or the destruction it causes. Freedom is the broken record answer you give to end every reasonable arguement where someone tries to get you to do something you don't feel like doing." The teacher is shocked, The class looks up stunned and confused and the little boy bows his head in dissapointment, tears filling his eyes. About to console the little boy, the teacher notices the cover of the dictionary and beams a bright smile. "Don't worry class!" she rejoices, "That one is American English" Made in response to all the lockdown protestors in America who won't stfu and stop putting their country to shame. They don't define America Edit: I'm confused by the angry Americans, Why come to r/jokes without your sense of humour. It's not meant as a slight to america as a whole, just that small group who are protesting the lockdowns.
Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell.
"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!" "Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement." Satan, fighting back tears: "Fuck you, go to hell!"
You can tell I’m a dad based on my jokes.
I guess that makes me a groan man.
A farmer and a king died at the same time.
They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates. "Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?" The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits. "Wonderful," said St. Peter. "What can you do, your majesty?" The king immediately went to the nearest toilet and flushed it. Ultimately, St. Peter made the decision to allow the king into heaven. And the moral of the story is, a royal flush always wins against a pear, no matter how big.