No talk with panda and kitty they angry

Then I realised she can't even.

This proves I'm independent.

I hope

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

In the riverbank

Why am i bad at telling jokes?

They said that it was a fusion cuisine.

A: Because he's married.

They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.

The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see. "Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I…" Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You have a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter." "Thanks be to…" Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection. "Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?

Bot‌‌h go‌‌t drunk‌‌, starte‌‌d walkin‌‌g hom‌‌e an‌‌d ha‌‌d t‌‌o g‌‌o t‌‌o th‌‌e bathroom‌‌. The‌‌y stoppe‌‌d a‌‌t ‌‌a cemeter‌‌y bu‌‌t ha‌‌d nothin‌‌g t‌‌o wip‌‌e with‌‌. On‌‌e use‌‌d he‌‌r pantie‌‌s an‌‌d th‌‌e othe‌‌r grabbe‌‌d ‌‌a wreat‌‌h of‌‌f ‌‌a grave‌‌. Th‌‌e nex‌‌t morning‌‌, on‌‌e husban‌‌d call‌‌s th‌‌e othe‌‌r an‌‌d says, "N‌‌o mor‌‌e girls‌‌' nigh‌‌t out‌‌. M‌‌y wif‌‌e cam‌‌e bac‌‌k wit‌‌h n‌‌o panties." "Yo‌‌u thin‌‌k yo‌‌u hav‌‌e i‌‌t bad?‌‌", say‌‌s th‌‌e other‌‌, "Min‌‌e cam‌‌e bac‌‌k wit‌‌h ‌‌a car‌‌d stuc‌‌k i‌‌n he‌‌r crac‌‌k tha‌‌t rea‌‌d fro‌‌m al‌‌l o‌‌f u‌‌s a‌‌t th‌‌e fir‌‌e station..‌‌. w‌‌e wil‌‌l neve‌‌r forge‌‌t you."

I said yeah fine and remember to slam the door on my cock on the way out.

then I see why they call you handsome!

He chose the electric clippers, but I got the straight blade. Despite being twins, we were razed differently.

A go fuck yourself

“This is exciting!” the guy thought. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope! In the beginning, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began writing in the answers. "This is fantastic!” the gentleman mused. “I’m really good at crosswords!” It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, he’d ask him for assistance. Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four-letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’?” The three Cardinals behind, in front of, and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor. The gentleman was in morbid shock. He couldn’t breathe. He thought within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said with reverence and politeness, “I believe, Your Holiness, that you’re looking for the word, 'aunt’.” “Of course!” the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the crossword. “You wouldn’t happen to have an eraser, would you?”

One came, one saw, and one conquered.

He was on stage one day and said "Uno…dos…" and then he disappeared without a tres.

It's hard for them to keep a straight face.

In a cult the main person knows it's all bullshit. In religion that person is dead.

Now, when I see a nurse in a porno, I stand up and clap.

Why did you make me read the same thing 100 times?

Even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

Rosy goes to Sunday school every week, but falls asleep every class! One day, to “inadvertently” call her out on it, the teacher calls on Rosy and asks this question: “Who created the universe as we know it to be?” At this point, to just have a laugh, Rosy’s friend, Adam, sitting behind her, pokes her in the butt with a thumb tack! Rosy wakes up in a frazzle, “GOD ALMIGHTY!” The teacher says “yes, correct.” Rosy, still confused after being rudely awoken, is asked another question: “What was the name of Gods son?” Adam, giggling wildly to himself, pokes Rosy in the butt again! Rosy screeches out “JESUS CHRIST!” The teacher says “yes, correct.” Finally, the teacher asks what she believes to be an impossible question: “What did Eve say to Adam after having their 43rd child?” Adam, triumphantly, drives the thumbtack into Rosy’s backside yet again to then hear Rosy yell out “Oh for fucks sake Adam, if you stick that thing in me one more time I’ll snap it in two!”

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople. The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them posts and sets up shop. He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime so anyone can pay $1 to kick the rapist in the groin. Since the con artist used his image to wrong his victims, anyone can pay $1 to hit him in the face. After a while there are two long lines for the criminals. Some people paying $5, $10, even $15 to get their licks in. After a long while, a guy steps up for his turn and sees the con artist’s face is a bloody pulp and thinks “He’s so beat up at this point, he probably can’t even feel anything anymore. I’m not going to waste my money on that.” So the guy walks up and kicks the con artist squarely in the groin. The sheriff sees this and hurries over and says, “Hey son, you can’t do that here.” The man asks, “Why not?” And the sheriff replies, “Because this is the punch line.”

Rick O’Shea

……..complaining about their biggest regrets on getting old. The first old man said "I'd give anything to take a good piss like I did when I was young. Every morning I get up it takes me 5 minutes to take a piss, and then it's only a small dribble." ​ The second old man said "I'd give anything to take a good shit like I did when I was young. Every morning I sit on the stool and strain and strain until I can finally get something out." ​ The third old man said "Well, every morning at 5 I take me a really long piss. Then at 6 on the dot I take a really big shit." ​ The other two old men look at him and say "So what the hell are you complaining about?" ​ The third old man says "I don't wake up until 7".

If it were served warm it would be justwater

The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter". The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery". The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline". The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in".

Me: “Hello.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.” Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?” NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.” Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?” NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?” Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?” Me: “I haven’t put in a time yet.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir, just press the button.” Me: “OK. What now?” NOT-Microsoft support: “Now you want to click on Control Panel.” Me: “I don’t see that.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?” Me: “Yes.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.” Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.” Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.” NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.” Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?” Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it it just kind of stays on all the time.” NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?” Me: “In those cases I usually press the big button beneath Stop/Cancel.” NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.” Me: “Ok.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?” Me: “No. The door popped open.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?” Me: “No, there’s a burrito.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?” Me: “Computer? This is a microwave.”