No there are no limits to his narcissism.
My grandpa went to Vietnam and he shot and killed dozens of North Vietnamese singlehandedly.
We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.
Joke
My parents grew to like my girlfriend so much, they take her as their own daughter. Now they started looking for a proper boyfriend for her.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
You can never run through campgrounds
You can only ran, because it’s past tents
My wife told me I was too selfish in the bedroom
I almost choked on my own cock
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, “Of course.” To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn’t hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time. When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started. “Of course,” says the old man, “when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”
Got a new phone, and I went straight to my lawyer’s office.
He's helping me build a case to avoid damages.
So a man walks into a bar..
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100 000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250 000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500 000 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500 000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.
It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
When my wife was in labour, I tried to distract her by telling terrible jokes, but it didn’t work.
It must have been the delivery.
I had to replace my chain saw
The old one just wasn't cutting it anymore.
My workplace refuses to shut down during an international pandemic … my sister reacts.
https://ift.tt/3aU0ZLh
Why doesn’t the Pope like trigonometry?
It has a lot of sin
Did you know Tampax gives away slightly defective tampons for free?
No strings attached.
How to follow instructions
An old painter once brought a helper along for the first time ever He said: "Do as I say; exactly as I say. And don't try anything clever" "Now go kick that baseboard over there" he shouted as he pointed "..and see that plug over there? Go ahead and pull it" "and while you're at it, cut the water, put the chisel in my bag of brushes" "put the caps on the sockets, grab me that bucket, run to the van for our lunches" So the helper Thought for a second…got deep in thought….."WHAT ARE YOU THINKIN' ABOUT!!!" the painter exclaimed, all but callin' 'im names. The helper skipped with a bounce He pulled the baseboard, cut the plug, poured water in the bag, held the chisel next to the socket for a second and said "Nope. Not doing that" The painter looked dumbfounded as the helper covered the bucket with caps scratchin' 'is head tryna remember where the lunches were at …the old painter exploded …"WHAT WAS THAT!!!!!" "YOU BETTER FIX THIS AND GET IT RIGHT!!". The helper replied: "Um. My bad" then he put water on the bucket and cut the caps pulled the bag over, like really dragged it over, kicked the brushes and gasped. "Almost forgot", the helper said as the painter started to sweat, bubblin' mad As he started to remember where the lunches were at The old painter panted, "No, no, no" he said as he started to collapse pulled his brushes out and cut his hand on the baseboard on his bag threw the chisel at the helper, but the helper slipped and ducked it, because of the caps he shook the water off and ran to the van. In the meantime, the old painter kicked the bucket; and passed.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A white horse fell in the mud
Husband: I don’t like three things about you. Wife: What things?
Husband: Your chin.
Today I said to my (male) colleague, when he was dressing
Looking sharp looking fresh, 10 out of 10 would smash!
If the Americans change from pounds to kilograms overnight,
there will be mass confusion.
On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed…
someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn’t find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class. Tuesday, she was again greeted with “penis” on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning for the rest of the week, “penis” was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she’d had enough. “That’s enough,” she sputtered. “I — I can’t believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!” On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: “Don’t you know — the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?”
Five years ago, I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me.
She said no both times
My uncle used to breed and sell parakeets…
they were flying off the shelves but he switched to chickens and they didn't take off. So he tried ducks and then it was all bills, bills, bills.
Why did the sun never go to college?
It already has thousands of degrees.
I asked what LGBTQ meant..
I couldn’t get a straight answer.
A pirate walks into a bar.
His pants are open in the front, and there’s a steering wheel inside them. The bartender looks at him. “Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?” “Arrrrgh,” replies the pirate. “It’s drivin’ me nuts.”
Why didn’t Dwayne Johnson’s downstairs neighbor recognize him?
Because he’s been living under a rock.
There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.
Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers. The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best prices!)" Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best quality!) The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own. "Jackson's clothing store (Main entrance)."
My girlfriend wants me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter.
Boy, do I have some news for her.
Did you know the first French fries where not made in France?
They where made in grease.
You know what’s really boring?
Digging giant tunnels underground.