No there are no limits to his narcissism.
What is the difference between Inlaws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are Wanted…
A man and his girlfriend check into a hotel.
“I don’t know why, but I’m afraid that this room might be bugged with hearing devices.” the girlfriend tells her boyfriend. “That’s crazy, there’s nothing to be worried about.” the man replies. The girl insists, so he starts to search the room. He looks in all of the drawers, under the TV, and behind the curtains. When he pulls the rug up, to his utter disbelief, he finds a suspicious looking disc. “Wow, you might be right!” the man says as he unscrews the disc from the floor. The next morning, they head to the front desk to check out of their room. “You guys must’ve had a good time last night” the clerk says laughing. Angry and confused, the man asks “AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT?!” The clerk replies “Well, on the floor below you, the entire chandelier came down.”
Are your kids twins?
A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone would fuck you twice …"
A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.
All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12.67.” The man reaches in his pocket and without even looking sets exact change down on the bar. After they finish their beers, the bartender asks, “anything else?” The man says, “Gimme a shot of bourbon.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want a double bourbon, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves them and says, “That’s $14.03.” The man reaches into his pocket and without even looking again sets exact change on the bar. After that round, the bartender says, “What else will ya have?” The man says, “I need a Jack and Coke.” The ostrich says, “Me too!” The cat says, “I want two Jack and Cokes, and I’m only paying…” “Half price, I know,” says the bartender. He sets them up and says, “$16.38, please.” The man reaches in his pocket a third time, and again sets exact change on the bar without counting it out. The bartender asks the man, “How is it that every time you pay for your drink order, you can set exact change on the bar without looking?” The man says, “Well, some years ago I was walking on the beach in Egypt, and I found a magic lamp in the sand. I rubbed it, and a genie appeared and granted me three wishes for setting him free. So, with the first wish, I wished that no matter what I ever wanted to buy, I would always have exact change for it in my pocket.” The bartender says, “That’s brilliant! Most people would wish for a million or five million or whatever. This way, you’ll never run out of money, you don’t have to worry about carrying it, and you’ll never be robbed! Absolutely brilliant.” The man says, “I know, and thank you!” The bartender says, “So what did you ask for with your other two wishes?” The man said “A chick with long legs and a tight pussy.”
Is dark matter todays version of phlogiston, vitalism, the four humors, steady-state model?
https://ift.tt/2AMo9Xl
I heard my son say his first words to me today…
Where have you been for the last 20 years?
Son: What rhymes with orange?
Dad: No, it doesn’t
Every day I forget which direction the sun rises…
Then it dawns on me
What kind of doctor was Dr. Pepper?
A fizzicision
Doctor! Doctor! My husband just got admitted to this hospital with involuntary butt spasms, where is he?
ICU baby, shakin' that ass!
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
[SPOILER] Star Wars
https://imgur.com/lglgd2E
The most corrupt president in American history. Also pictured: Richard Nixon.
https://ift.tt/2qIn6m2
Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted, passed away She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Judy again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they are finally together.” Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret … “Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?” Margaret replied, “I think he means her legs, Ethel . .
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
How bout a blowjob?
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ….And she's always sound asleep."
I got fired from the sperm bank today
Cause every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"
I won’t vaccinate my children
I will have the doctor do it.
How come no one at the kings table laughed when he farted?
Because noble gases don't cause reaction
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan…
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan. The egg turns to the sausage and says, "It's getting hot in here!", and the sausage replies "Wow! A talking egg!"
How does the man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it
Homosexuality is found in over 150 different species, homophobia is only found in two.
We aren't doing enough to exterminate the fag-hating squirrel.
A man gets “I love you” tattooed on his penis.
He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend. She looks at him and shakes her head saying "there you go again trying to put words in my mouth".
What does tofu and a dildo have in common?
They’re both meat substitutes.
father: how are your grades son?
📷 son: underwater, dad father: underwater? what do you mean? son: they're below C level
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends COP: What would you call that group? CROW: …I want a lawyer
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question… dogs can't whistle.
How did the scarecrow win an award without moving?
He was out standing in his field 👨🏻🌾
Did my first Uber shift last night till 5am and I forgot to charge each customer.
All that work and nothing to chauffeur it
An Australian General says to a soldier, “Did you come here to die?”
The soldier responds, “No, sir. I came here yester-die!”
The easiest abortion I’ve ever performed was on a stripper.
It was like taking a baby from Candy.
Where do mollusks find books to improve themselves?
The shellf help section.
Why does listening to FM radio hurt?
Because Mega Hertz
A mom wanted her three sons to stop swearing…
…so she decides she needs to start punishing her children. The next morning, her three sons, Billy, Bobby, and Johnny come to the kitchen for breakfast. The mom asks Billy what he wants for breakfast. Billy says, "I don't know, just give me ceral or some shit." The mom smacks Billy and he goes flying across the kitchen. She turns to Bobby and asks him what he wants for breakfast. Bobby shouts, "Damn, mom! What the hell did you hit Billy for? Just give me cereal I guess." The mom hits Bobby even harder and Bobby flies into the next room over. Finally, she turns to Johnny and asks what he wants for breakfast. Johnny looks at the other two boys and hesitates for a while. Johnny says, "I don't know, but you can bet your sweet ass that it isn't cereal."
If It’s True About Their Aim, I Won’t Mind Having Them On My Side
If It’s True About Their Aim, I Won’t Mind Having Them On My Side
I was taking my first martial arts class
The instructor told me that in this school of martial arts, unlike most others, there were eight points of contact to strike with – hands, elbows, knees and feet. He then told me to try striking the punching bag with my knee But I hit it with Muay Thai. (Thanks u/Daedyl)
I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite
I wasn't untill I got home I realised that I picked 7-up