No wait
Little Michael watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked. “To make myself beautiful!” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked little Michael. "Giving up?"
Regardless of price, Velcro is always a rip off
No text found
I broke two of my dads Queen records…
Now I want to break three.
Is infinity odd or even?
Oddly enough, it's even. But even so, it's still an odd concept.
I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors, I win!” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because heโs been chasing me for ages!
A man made a mistake in an elevator.
He was wrong on many levels.
Been a dad 5 mo, so Iโm a little new to this… Hit my wife with this one tonight at dinner.
Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad. Wife: What are you thinking? Me: Business casual.
My roommate claims iโm schizophrenic.
Jokes on him, I donโt have a roommate.
A friend said she did not understand cloning…
I told her that makes two of us…
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
Sex therapists claim that the best way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears.
Personally I think itโs nuts.
Why’s there no original content on this site anymore?
because everyone's already Redd-it
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
That means I have one up on history's greatest scientific genius. Because I'm not dead.
I asked my wife if she wanted to get pregnant. She said โare you kidding me?!โ
I said โhopefullyโ
I used to hate facial hair
but then it grew on me
Who do you call when you break your toe?
The Toe Truck (Tow Truck)
I brought my daughter out for her first drink…
While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink. Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
When God closes a door, He opens a window.
My point is, this church needs a better fire evacuation system.
Why should you never play poker against the Queen of England when she is sitting on a toilet?
Because you can't beat a royal flush.
A student visits the principalโs office one day and the principal says to him, โWhatโs your name, son?โ He replies, โD-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.โ The principal looks up and asks him, โOh, do you have a stutter?โ
The student replies, โNo sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.โ
Why are ghost so bad at lying?
You can see right through 'em.
I called my wife and told her that Iโll pick up Fish and Chips on the way from work. She didnโt respond.
She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers
But then I quit cold turkey
Words cannot express…
…how limited my vocabulary is.
The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven
St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is. The Pope: "I am the pope." St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book." The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth." St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me …" The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church …" St. Peter: "The Catholic church … Never heard of it … Wait, I'll check with the boss." St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God. St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth." God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of … Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus) Jesus: "Yes Dad, what's up?" God and St. Peter explain the situation. Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow." Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room Jeffery Epstien didn't kill himself laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing. Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
Coronavirus isn’t Trumps Fault. Ebola wasn’t Obama’s Fault. Sars wasn’t Brush’s fault….
And only a handful of cases of herpes were Clinton's fault.
What was the farmer doing on the other side of the road?
Catching all the chickens that had crossed it
What do you call Batman when he leaves church?
Christian Bale.
TIL: If you sit on your hand until you can’t feel it anymore
and log in to your online banking system. It feels like someone else is paying your bills.
It makes my heart race when my girlfriend rests her head on my leg during long road trips
So now she has to sit up straight and keep her eyes on the road whenever sheโs driving
Are camo jokes not a thing anymore?
I can't see them anywhere.
I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits,
and I asked if they were gay. They arrested me.
Why are there fences around graveyards?
Cause people are dying to get in
I just bought a border collie.
The one I already had wasn't bored enough.
I’ve come to the realization that suicide would solve all my problems…
… if I could just get the right people to try it.
Why Are Murders So Hard To Solve In The U.S. Deep South?
All the DNA is the same and there are no dental records…
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of their dogs.
When the first poop of the year is the first poop in my new bed since i got it
https://ift.tt/2thvPN8