No we live
3.14% of sailors are Pi rates
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Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says βIβll take a glass of H2O.β The second says βIβll take a glass of H2O too.β
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water.Β
Let me tell you how I became a millionaire:
First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on… A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.
I bought a dog from a Blacksmith the other day…
I only had him 3 hours and he made a bolt for the door.
I finally found a book that I was totally glued to.
It was a family album
Hooker: β$10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bedβ Man: βIβll pay $50β
Hooker: βYouβre a man of class :)β Man: βClass my ass, I want it five times on grassβ
I keep trying to come up with unemployment jokes.
But none of them work
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary!" The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me a rum and coke!" The anti-vaxver says, "No shots for me." She then collapses and dies from polio.
Courtesy of my youngest child – why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?
Because a cold never bothered her anyway. My youngest son thought of this all by himself…he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts
Beer nuts are $1.30 deer nuts are under a buck
I used to think toking weed and snorting lines of coke made me a cool guy
but it was all just smoke and mirrors.
I had to break up with my midget girlfriend today.
She wouldnβt get her nose out of my business. I was nuts over her though
happened earlier today. not the same person i used to be.
happened earlier today. not the same person i used to be.
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack…
She hasn't figured it out yet, but the thyme is cumin…
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers…
Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
Why is Ireland the biggest country in the world?
Because it keeps Dublin.
Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand*
Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself Sister-in-law: crying is this why you wanted an open casket
My brotherβs first dad joke
This just happened 2 minutes ago. Iβm visiting my brother today , dec 29. His wife asked for some shopping cash and I heard him say: βDonβt spend it all at once, this money needs to last us till next yearβ Ps. Heβs been a father for 5 years now
A Reddit user, a Reddit user, and a Reddit user walk into a bar.
The first one orders a coke. Five minutes later the second one orders a coke and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a coke and the whole city erupts in thunderous applause.
3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. βFirst body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspectorβ, says the Coroner. βSecond body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.β The Inspector asked, βWhat of the third body?β βAh,β says the coroner, βthis is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.β βWhy is he smiling then?β inquires the Inspector. βThought he was having his picture taken.