Nobody believes me, but I only have sex standing up.
I’m not fucking lying.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time…
are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Got laid off today, boss hadn’t removed me from all chats, so I left on my own terms.
https://ift.tt/2VuzQKk
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
We’d better get some support or people will think we’re nuts.
A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.
There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.” The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.” Poof! The jewels appear. “For my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.” Poof! The karma appears. The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. “I can give you anything in the world,” he says again. The teacher thinks for a long time. “As a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote ‘lamb’ instead of ‘lamp.’ Please correct my mistake.” The genie moaned in anguish. “This is Reddit,” he shouted. Once you post it, you can’t edit the title. “In that case,” the teacher smiled, “It looks like I’ve got myself a genie for eternity.”
If abortion is such a mature subject,
why does it bring out people's inner child?
I asked the Colonel what the lowest rank in the army was.
He said, "It's Private." I said, "Come on, you can tell me."
Me, at the hot dog stand: Can I get a jumbo sausage?
Hot dog guy: Sure. Won’t be long. Me: Yikes. In that case, can I have two?
Knock knock. Who’s there? Dishes. Dishes who?
This is Sean Connery.
At ten feet I told the the joke and everyone laughed. At twenty feet, same result. At fifty feet no one heard me…
Guess I went a little too far with that joke.
What’s the difference between a cow and the crucifixion?
You can’t milk a cow for 2,000 years.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
Otherwise it would be justwater.
There is a horse. The horse says “I don’t think.” and disappears.
This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am." But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right.
Alcohol IS a solution.
Two different doctors worked together on my knee surgery
It was a joint operation
I took a test to check whether or not I have kleptomania.
It wasn’t my test, but I took it anyway.
911 what’s your emergency?
"Hello yes my Wife is going into labour!" "Is this her first child?" "No this is her husband"
I bet a butcher $20 that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf…
He said "Sorry man. The steaks are too high."
A woman is walking down the street when she bumps into an old friend she hasn’t seen in a long time. They sit down on a bench and catch up on their lives.
Friend: So do you have any kids? Woman: Yes, I have 5 boys. Friend: Nice! What are their names? Woman: Steve. Friend: You mean… All of them are named Steve? Woman: Exactly, it's so much easier that way! It's hard enough to supervise 5 boys playing together, it's even worse if I have to call them one by one. All I have to do is shout "STEVE!!!" and they all turn around immediately! Friend: But what if you only want to talk to one of them at a time? How do you differentiate them? Woman: Oh, well in that case, I just call them by their last name…
Trump goes to Russia to have dinner with Putin…
After dinner they’re hanging around the palace smoking cigars when Putin says “watch this”. He rings a little bell and this beautiful Russian girl walks in, gets on her knees in front of him, and starts sucking his dick. After a few moments Putin smacks her on the back of the head and yells “stop!”, and without a word she gets up and walks out of the room. Putin turns to Trump and says “you wanna try?” “Sure” Trump says, “but don’t smack me on the back of the head please, that looks like it hurts”.
My daughter has started asking me questions about the human body
I thought I locked the basement I don't know how she keeps getting down there
Like my silver medal did for me at the Catholympics…
…prove that you're second to nun.
Why do programmers like dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs
Why do programmers prefer dark mode?
Cause light attracts bugs.
I have a scary joke about math
But I am 2² to say it.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks
Divorcing parents
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas – and they're paying their own way.'
My wife: I’m leaving you because of your obsession with Star Wars
Me: May divorce be with you
We’ll we’ll we’ll
If it isn't autocorrect
What did the momma cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.
what did batman say to robin before they got in the batmobile?
“robin, get in the batmobile”
A man is walking to his car late at night
When he sees a woman on a shady corner. He goes up to ask if she's alright and she responds "I'm a hooker, are you interested?" The man decides to live a little and takes her up on her offer and they go back to his car and go at it like rabbits. Some time during, a cop pulls up and knocks on the window. "Excuse me sir what exactly are you doing?" The man answers "I'm having sex with my wife" The cop replies with "I apologize, I didn't know." The man responds with "Me neither until you shined that flashlight"
I wrote down the names of everyone I hate a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll a joint.
He's now high on the list of people I don't want to see again.
How do you make a blonde girl laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday
I met a cow who really didn’t want to pay
I guess you could call him a cheap-steak.
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes
it's all about raisin awareness
Genders are just like the twin towers…
There used to be two, but now its a sensitive subject.