Nobody could have expected this!

I have a lot of jokes about the unemployed people
But none of them work!!
I was staying at a hotel.
Some people took the stairs to their rooms, and some took the elevator. Right then I realized everyone was raised differently
Two jumper cables walk into a bar
The bartender goes, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn’t alive?
Boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran- Grandpa- It’s your dog, he’s dead jimmy.
Where do suicide bombers go after they die?
Everywhere. Edit: Whoa thanks for the toilet seat.
I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
My bathroom mirror is so dirty
But I just can't see myself cleaning it
I told my 3yr old daughter “I’m tired.”
"Oh. I thought you were daddy!" I've never been so proud.
Why is a chemist good at DJing?
Because they know when to drop the base.
I went to a beautiful wedding this weekend.
It was so emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.
At first I didn’t like having a beard
But then it grew on me
The first Karen to get sick was..
Impatient Zero
[NSFW] Wonder Woman is laying naked, face down, on a rooftop…
…when Superman flies by and sees her. Her naked body has him feeling all types of ways, so he starts to think, "You know, I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in and out of there before she even realizes what happened." So, Superman flies in, does his business and takes off. Wonder Woman says, "What was that?" The Invisible Man responds, "I don't know, but my fucking ass is killing me."
I write songs about sewing machines…
I’m a Singer songwriter.
Have You Heard The One About The Sheep?
It's baaad…
I never really understood the point of inside jokes
They work just fine outside as well

Ultrasonic mist maker cured my asthma too. Rife, Lakhovsky
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3h9SE8KeYo&t=727s
An African woman called Betty came into the restaurant.
Asked if we had chicken? I replied, “no, black Betty It’s ham or lamb.”

I may have gone overboard helping my 7th grade daughter with her science project video.
https://youtu.be/22ekP1YaHVg
I don’t understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.
Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.
I hear coronavirus porn is trending.
What a bunch of sick fucks.
How do you like them apples?
A guy sits down at the bar, and asks for a Rum & Coke The bartender plops an apple in front of him. "But I wanted a drink" The bartender says "Just try it." The guy bites into the apple, and says "Wow, this tastes just like rum!" "Turn it around," says the bartender. The guy bites into the other side of the apple and says "Wow, this tastes just like Coke. Amazing!" Another guy sits down, orders a Gin & Tonic. The bartender plops down an apple in front of him. "I want a drink, not food" The first guy says "Trust me, just taste it." He bites into the apple, and says "Wow, this tastes just like Gin" "Turn it around," says the bartender. He bites into the other side, and says "Wow, this tastes just like Tonic. Amazing!" A third guy sits down. "What can I get for you?" the bartender asks. "Hmm, let me think" The first guy says "Whatever you want, he has an apple that tastes just like it." The guy says "Oh yeah, do you have one that tastes like pussy?" The bartender plops down an apple in front of him. He takes a bite, and spits it out, screaming "This tastes like SHIT" "Turn it around" says the bartender.
A Soviet army is walking through a finnish field in 1939 during the winter war. Suddenly a voice yells at the other side of a hill.
The voice says: "one finnish soldier is equal to ten soviets" The soviet commander sends ten soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire, then silence. Soon the same voice yells again: "One finnish soldier is equal to a hundred soviets!" Angry soviet commander sends a hundred soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire and screans followed by a longer silence. Soon again the same voice yells: "One finnish soldier is equal to a thousand soviets!" Now furious, the soviet commander sends a thousand soldiers and a tank to the hill. They hear even more gunfire and explosions. Then silence. One heavily wounded soviet soldiers crawls from the hill and yells: "Commander! Dont send any more troops, its a trap! Theres two of them!" (I know this joke is super old but idgaf)
What do you call a lottery just for brooms?
A sweepstake.
“Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!”, says a white man to a Chinese national.
"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national. "But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!" "No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"
I was scheduled to teach a course in Origami, but then decided to give up.
Too much paperwork.
A man is showing his friend around his town. They pass a boy selling newspapers on the side of the road.
The man nudges his friend and says, "See that kid? He's got to be the stupidest kid in the whole wide world. Watch this." He walks up to the kid as his friend watches, and holds out a five dollar and a ten dollar bill. "Hey kid, pick one." The kid looks between the notes and eventually takes the five dollar bill. The man laughs and pockets the other note and walks back to his friend, still laughing. "See what I mean?" he says, shaking his head. "Every damn time. Stupid kid never learns." His friend is puzzled, but doesn't say anything. Later in the evening he decides to take a stroll alone and spots the boy again. Curiosity overcomes him, and he goes over and asks, "Hey kid, why do you keep taking the five dollar bill every time?" "Because, mister, the day I take the ten dollar bill, the game ends."
In college, all the fraternities rejected me because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
President Trump made it illegal for stores to sell shredded cheese
“Make America grate again”
Why do Americans take a gun while they go fishing ?
Cause groups of fish are called schools
My wife said if this post gets 2000 upvotes, she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on a business trip until Monday.
Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" Sex!" Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart! You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while." "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood. Then one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold to make sure that he was okay. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home. She found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood. Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?" Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."
I once knew a pair of twins that looked exactly alike, except that one of them was missing an eye.
They were dentical twins.
I just learned the medical name for viagra
Mycoxaflopin
A new twist on an old joke.
Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10. He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10". They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again. He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9". Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time. He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher – and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time – my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"